Prince Toby has started his own diary for National Novel Writing Month. You can follow his adventures here.
Wednesday 9th November 2022
Weight: 1317g (on account of big poo), cucumber consumption: 2½ slices (Hahaha! Turns out Human No. 1 is pushover too!), escape attempts: 17 (but only for toilet-related and cucumber consumption purposes, so doesn’t really count), interruption of Very Important Human Tasks for No Reason Whatsoever: 17 (on account of Bath Day stress and need for cucumber), interruption of Very Important Human Tasks for Toilet-Related or Other Emergencies: 4 (ooops!)
7.48 am: Human No. 1 late putting me under my lamp today. Hurrah! Lie in!
8.31 am: Albie has assured me that he is not cake. Gladys has assured me that she is not trying to kill me. All is well.
9.11 am: Aaaah! All is not well! BATH DAY!!!
9.14 am: Am sure Human No. 1 has made bath water deeper today. Thanks, Gladys!
9.18 am: Might not have to pretend to be drowning today. Might actually drown.
9.19 am: Am doing the keeping-very-still thing to panic Human No. 1. Serves her right!
9.20 am: Ooops. Just moved my leg . . .
9.21 am: Water keeps getting deeper and deeper in manner of dramatic action-adventure film. Think there is flood. HELP!!!
9.22 am: Have resorted to scrabbling up corner to escape death by drowning.
9.23 am: LET ME OUT!
9.25 am: Am out. Phew!
10.03 am: Catching up on the exciting exploits of Josh the Journeyman. He likes to update Human No. 1 and her gang (a nice, friendly gang who read books rather than a scary criminal gang who fight Batman) about his exciting adventures on public transport. Today he almost missed his train. So dramatic.
10.07 am: I never use public transport. Whenever I go out and about (usually to see the V-E-T), I have my own personal chauffeur (otherwise known as the Human Grandad).
10.13 am: Perhaps Josh the Journeyman should have his own personal chauffeur if trains are so tricky. I’ll ask the Human Grandad (although he needs to get cracking on those turrets for Castle Shelldonia if he’s going to get them done before Christmas).
11.06 am: Human No. 1 is preparing seminar on fairy tales today. She is teaching ‘Little Red Riding Hood’. (Human No. 2 has abandoned me again for actual job. Rude!)
11.35 am: Hmmm. Why can’t she teach tortoise fairy tale instead? A torty-tale?
11.45 am: Had to interrupt Human No. 1 for Toilet-Related Emergency.
11.56 am: All sorted.
11.58 am: Erm, actually, no it isn’t.
12.05 pm: Right. I am all sorted now. Think I might charge round and round my pen for a while, just to keep Human No. 1 on her toes.
12.33 pm: Turns out there aren’t many torty-tales around. There’s ‘The Tortoise and the Hare’, of course, but Human No. 1 says that is a fable. (Not really sure what the difference is.)
12.47 pm: Actually, I’ve always had a bit of a problem with ‘The Tortoise and the Hare’. Pleased that the tortoise wins the race, of course, but don’t like implication that tortoises are slow and patient. In my experience (of being a tort), torts are not patient at all. And there are many circumstances in which torts are actually super-speedy.
Toby Tort’s List of Many Circumstances in Which Torts are Actually Super-Speedy
1. When there is food nearby, but just out of reach.
2. When there are feet nearby, but just out of reach.
3. When humans/squirrels/birds/other intruders hop into our outdoor pens and need to be chased off immediately.
4. When there are girl torts around and we need to say hello immediately. (For boy torts, at least.)
5. When there are boy torts around and we need to show them who is boss immediately. (For boy torts, at least.)
6. When there are stone tortoises in the garden and we accidentally mistake them for girl torts (hurrah!) or boy torts (raaaaargh!).
7. When we are outside and it starts to rain and we need to find shelter immediately so that we don’t drown. (Except for Cousin Grace, who will just sit happily in the rain for hours because she’s a bit odd.)
8. When a mysterious package has arrived and we suspect that it’s for us.
9. When we want to snuggle with our humans. I don’t need snuggles, of course, but sometimes Human No. 1 does (she’s a bit needy) and so, of course, I oblige.
10. When someone accuses tortoises of being slow and we want to teach them a lesson immediately. (They soon change their tune once I get ready to charge at them.)
1.47 pm: Right. If can’t find suitable torty-tales, will just have to invent my own.
Prince Toby Tort presents
‘The Three Little Torts’
Once upon a time, there were three little torts called Albie, Hewie and Gatsby who went out into the world to seek their fortune.
‘Hmmm,’ thought Albie. ‘I need somewhere to live.’ He caught sight of some straw and decided to snuggle down in it for a nice afternoon snooze.
A while later, a Big Bad Tort called Prince Toby came across Albie’s mound of straw and caught sight of Albie’s little claw poking out.
‘Little tort, little tort, let me come in!’ the Big Bad Tort shouted.
Albie poked his head out of the straw and beamed at Prince Toby. ‘Okay,’ said Albie. ‘Come on in, I have no hairs on my chinny chin chin (because I’m a tortoise and we have scales, not hair).’
‘I’ll huff and I’ll puff and I’ll— oh, did you say come in?’ the Big Bad Tort asked. ‘Don’t mind if I do!’
‘There’s plenty of room for two!’ Albie agreed.
And so they snuggled down for a nice long nap.
And they all lived happily ever after.
(If you’re wondering about what Hewie and Gatsby did, they found wonderful humans to take them in and look after them, so they didn’t have to bother about building their own houses at all. Hurrah!)
THE END.
2.33 pm: Hmmm. I think the ending might need some work.
2.37 pm: Managed to coax some cucumber out of Human No. 1 by being an absolute terror. Knew I’d wear her down eventually!
2.45 pm: Finally sitting quietly under my lamp. Think I’ll try another torty-tale now.
Prince Toby Tort presents
‘Little Red Riding Tort’
Once upon a time, there was ever such a naughty little tort called Little Red Riding Tort (otherwise known as Winnie). She often completely ignored her human servants or, if she did pay attention to them, she was sure to do the complete opposite of anything they asked her to do.
One day, her Human No. 1 asked her to deliver a Very Important Message to the Human Grandad from Prince Toby Tort. ‘Whatever,’ said Little Red Riding Tort as she charged out of the door and into the woods.
In the woods, Little Red Riding Tort came across the Big Bad Tort.
‘Where are you going, little tort?’ he asked, his beady black eyes gleaming.
‘Well, I’m supposed to be going to visit the Human Grandad to ask him how he’s getting on with building the turrets for Prince Toby’s castle,’ said Little Red Riding Tort, rolling her eyes, ‘but I can see some juicy dandelions over there and I’d much rather sit and gobble them up than visit a boring old human.’
The Big Bad Tort smiled his big tortoise smile at her and licked his lips.
Little Red Riding Tort ignored him.
‘You’re supposed to say, ‘what big teeth you have’,’ he huffed.
‘But you’re a tortoise – you don’t have any teeth,’ said Little Red Riding Tort.
‘Good point,’ said the Big Bad Tort. ‘Actually, I’m Prince Toby, so I can go and ask the Human Grandad how he’s getting on myself, and you can stay here and eat those delicious dandelions.’
‘Whatever,’ said Little Red Riding Tort, stomping off towards the dandelions. ‘I’m not going anyway. You can do what you want.’
So, Prince Toby, the Big Bad Tort, went to the Human Grandad’s house, where he gobbled up . . .
a lovely bunch of monkey flowers that the Human Grandad had grown just for him. Hurrah!
So Little Red Riding Tort got her dandelions. The Big Bad Tort got his monkey flowers. And the Human Grandad got a timely reminder to get started on those turrets.
And they (mostly) lived happily ever after. (The Human Grandad was a bit stressed about the turrets.)
THE END.
4.01 pm: Hmmm. Don’t think I’ve quite cracked it yet. Perhaps will try some more tomorrow.
4.32 pm: Need some snooze time after all that hard work. Must rest my creative genius brain cells.
5.55 pm: Ever since finding out about the super-duper sculpture competition yesterday, I can’t stop seeing sculptures. Hazel the Marvellous sent me some photos of her mini sculptures this morning and Human No. 2 saw a penguin sculpture on his way to work today. Hope it’s not one of the evil penguins from my Bat-tort dream as then I will have to travel to vanquish it.
6.00 pm: Perhaps I could send Josh the Journeyman to sort it for me. If he gets on the right train, that is . . .
6.05 pm: Managed to squeeze a bit more cucumber out of Human No. 1. Hurrah!
6.30 pm: What a busy day I’ve had with my literary endeavours. Already have some excellent ideas for more torty-tales. Watch this space!
6.32 pm: By which I mean the blog space, not my actual pen. Human No. 1 already spends an unhealthy amount of time watching me sleep. I don’t want you lot to start with the creepy Edward Cullen business as well.
6.35 pm: Go away now then! Nothing to see here!
6.37 pm: Human No. 1 says I should be more polite to my fans.
6.39 pm: Go away now then, PLEASE!
You can follow Prince Toby on Twitter @PrinceTobyTort (and Instagram, but he has no idea what he's doing there). Also, look out for Tortmaster on Twitter!
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