Prince Toby has started his own diary for National Novel Writing Month. You can follow his adventures here.
Tuesday 29th November 2022
Weight: 1274g (burnt off 1g with all that climbing!), cucumber consumption: 0 slices (there had better be a big stash waiting for me when I wake up next year), escape attempts: 7331 (bored and neglected and hungry – woe is me!), interruption of Very Important Human Tasks for No Reason Whatsoever: 7331 (they love it really), interruption of Very Important Human Tasks for Toilet-Related or Other Emergencies: 0 (angelic as always!)
7.30 am: Dr Joe has been sleeping in the room next to mine. He hasn’t tried to poke me like the V-E-T does, but it seems that human doctors don’t bother poking torts. Hurrah! He’s been a delightful house guest. Think the Mysterious S was concerned that Dr Joe might be here to sort out Human No. 1’s many ailments, but he is just here for fun and not for doctoring. Looks like Human No. 1 will just have to stop being so sickly all by herself!
7.33 am: Now that I don’t have to be on my guard against poky medical doctor fingers, think I’ll go back to sleep.
8.37 am: Human No. 2 and Dr Joe have invaded my Tortoise Parlour. They are sitting drinking tea and gabbling away and not paying me any attention whatsoever. Think I will just move a few inches to see if they notice me.
8.38 am: They didn’t notice me. Hmmm.
8.51 am: Human No. 1 has appeared. Hurrah! She always pays attention to me.
9.05 am: Except now she’s gone next door to work and left me with the disinterested male humans again.
9.07 am: On the plus side, they haven’t tried to give me a bath.
9.31 am: Now that the Christmas tree is up, I’m feeling quite Christmassy. Think I need to make the most of it whilst I still have the energy (and before I’ve completely wasted away through lack of cucumber), so I’ve decided to hold my Tort Christmas Party with Bernard and his weird friends (Kevin and Penelope) tomorrow, even though it’s still November. Aren’t I a rebel?!
9.43 am: Thanks to the latest Tortmaster task, we have lots of exciting games to play. Now I just need to come up with a menu, guest list and music playlist.
10.01 am: Just realised that there’s no point having a menu because I CAN’T EAT ANYTHING!!!
10.03 am: And the guest list will be all my Twitter friends!!!!
10.04 am: Suppose I might let Humans No. 1 and 2 join in as well if they’re very good. We can also celebrate the end of #nananono! The final instalment of Toby Tort’s Diary will be coming tomorrow and then I will hang up my pen for the rest of the year and get ready for a Nice Long Winter Nap!
10.07 am: Can still have music though.
Prince Toby Tort’s Super-Duper Tort Christmas Party Playlist
‘Jingle Shells’
‘Jingle Shell Rock’
‘Carol of the Shells’
‘Fairy Tale of New Tort’
‘Christmas Time (Don’t Let the Shells End)’
‘Silent Tort’ (Hmmm. Not sure about this one.)
‘Shelly Xmas Everybody’
‘We Wish You a Shelly Christmas’
‘God Rest Ye Shelly Gentlemen’
‘Have Yourself a Shelly Little Christmas’
‘Toby and Toby’ (From The Muppet Christmas Carol)
10.49 am: That should keep us going for a while!
11.01 am: The male humans have bogged off upstairs to play something called Warhammer. Not sure what it is but it doesn’t sound like my kind of thing, so I think I’ll have a little climb around my pen instead.
11.05 am: Human No. 1 just came in and moved me back under my lamp.
11.06 am: Am climbing again now.
11.08 am: Human No. 1 put me back under my lamp again.
11.09 am: This could go on for a while.
11.39 am: Am bored! Even climbing has got a bit boring now. But at least I seem to have avoided my bath. Hurrah!
12.14 pm: Am climbing again. Human No. 1 is getting a bit frustrated with me. Apparently, I am interrupting her very busy and important work.
12.33 pm: Have stopped climbing now, but only because I am a bit tired. Am not sucking up to Human No. 1.
12.47 pm: Need to work on my party piece for tomorrow . . .
‘Let Me Snooze’
The lamp glows bright in my pen tonight,
Not a lettuce to be seen.
A kingdom of cruel starvation,
And I long for something green.
The kettle’s boiling for my human’s cup of tea,
She is toasty warm, no one cares for me.
Don’t let them win, don’t let them see,
Be the good tort you’re never usually.
Conceal, don’t feel, don’t let them know,
Or tell them so:
Let me snooze! Let me snooze!
Can’t hold it back any more.
Let me snooze! Let me snooze!
I really need to snore!
I don’t care what you’re going to say,
Let me go to sleep,
The cold always bothers me every day.
It’s funny how this season, makes everything so dull,
And my hungry, empty tummy, just wishes it was full.
It’s time to see if I can snooze,
To keep my eyes shut and get through
The dreadful noise so I can be
Sleepy.
Let me snooze! Let me snooze!
I am one with the sleepy time.
Let me snooze! Let me snooze!
That snuggly bed is mine!
I’m tucked in, so go away,
Let me go to sleep . . .
(Musical interlude – interpretive dance)
My tummy rumbles make a thunderiffic sound,
December’s nearly here, the temperature is going down.
And one thought crystallizes as I close my eyes,
Not going to stay awake, it’s time for sleepy-byes.
Let me snooze! Let me snooze!
When I rise then it will be Spring.
Let me snooze! Let me snooze!
Just let me do my thing.
I’m tucked in, so please go away,
Let me go to sleep,
The cold always bothers me every day.
1.35 pm: Dr Joe has left. I hope it wasn’t my singing that did it . . .
2.10 pm: Human No. 1 is in a social media marketing seminar all afternoon. Hope she picks up some super-duper tips for how to get me a super-duper book deal for my diary.
2.37 pm: While she’s busy planning my global domination, I must get cracking on my party invites.
3.37 pm: Think I’m ready for tomorrow now. Hurrah!
4.15 pm: Football tonight and I’m feeling pretty confident. All Wales have to do to get through is beat England and make sure that Iran v. USA ends in a draw, or just win by four clear goals. That sounds super-easy!
5.05 pm: Human No. 1 has just finished her social media for marketing training and she tells me that the key message she came away with was: it’s not all about you! Quite right too! It’s not about her at all. It’s all about me! Three hours well spent, I think!
5.24 pm: Having a little climb up Dave Hill whilst Human No. 1 follows me around with a camera hoping that, by some miracle, I will stick my tongue out for her for #TongueOutTuesday! Well, I shan’t do it and it serves her right! She should give me some cucumber if she wants to see my tongue!
5.31 pm: Still no sign of cucumber. Think I shall go and sulk up my corner.
5.43 pm: Am in my corner. Human No. 1 has given up trying to take photographs of me because I’m not doing anything remotely interesting. Hahaha!
5.47 pm: Am looking forward to my party tomorrow. I do hope to see you there. (Bernard will be very upset if you don’t pop in to say hello – he’s very sensitive about these things). It will be a triple celebration: Christmas; the end of #nananono (and the final instalment of Toby Tort’s Diary – for now); and Wales’s crushing victory over England and qualification for the next round of the World Cup that’s not really a World Cup. Hurrah!
6.01 pm: See you tomorrow. Same tort time! Same tort channel!
You can follow Prince Toby on Twitter @PrinceTobyTort (and Instagram, where he is now frantically trying to learn the ropes in case of Twitter explosion, also @PrinceTobyTort). Also, play Tortmaster on Twitter!