Prince Toby has started his own diary for National Novel Writing Month. You can follow his adventures here.
Tuesday 8th November 2022
Weight: 1334g (Miraculous recovery from yesterday!), cucumber consumption: 0 slices (not this again!), escape attempts: 0 (too despondent due to lack of cucumber), interruption of Very Important Human Tasks for No Reason Whatsoever: 0 (on account of sulking), interruption of Very Important Human Tasks for Toilet-Related or Other Emergencies: 1 (what a good tort I am – even when deprived of cucumber).
6.20 am: Human No. 1 poked me again. Was having nice dream about cucumber-sandwich picnic with Alex Horne, Mark Watson and Oscar Wilde. Not sure why Oscar Wilde was there instead of Richard Osman. (Perhaps Richard Osman was too busy with plotting murders.) The Horne Section were there too, playing a ska version of ‘I am the Walrus’, although Oscar Wilde had charged the lyrics to ‘I am the Tortoise’. Most amusing. Would never have thought of that myself. He also did a reading from his new book, The Picture of Tobius Tort, about a handsome young tort called Tobius who sits for a handsome portrait and then gets older but looks just as handsome and youthful as ever he did. And his portrait stays as handsome and youthful as ever it was because it’s a portrait. And both Toby and the portrait live happily-ever-after. At least, I think they do, but that’s when I was rudely awoken by Human No. 1, so can’t be sure. WHY ALL THE EARLY-MORNING POKING???
6.25 am: ‘I am the Walrus’ is Human No. 1’s favourite Beatles song. I have to say, I do find it very relatable. ‘Sitting in an English garden waiting for the sun.’ Story of my life.
6.30 am: Aaaah! Human No. 1 has put the light on now! TURN IT OFF, GROMIT!!!
6.31 am: Bet you can’t guess what my favourite Beatles song is . . .
6.32 am: Actually, you probably can. It’s rather obvious once you think about it. Tweet me your answers @PrinceTobyTort. (Am very interactive tort.)
6.34 am: Human No. 1 says I am doing transmedia storytelling, which sounds very clever and sophisticated and just like the sort of thing I would do. Not sure I quite understand what it actually is but am going to Google it later. Too early for Google right now.
6.35 am: Why am I awake???
8.30 am: Hmmm. Oscar Wilde had vanished when I returned to my cucumber-sandwich picnic. So had the cucumber sandwiches. Most disappointing. (I suspect the Mysterious S.)
8.45 am: No sign of quiz-show contracts yet . . .
9.00 am: Aaaaah! Accidentally watched terrifying video of things that don’t look like cake but actually are cake. Usually enjoy this kind of thing (except when it’s cake masquerading as cucumber – that’s just cruel) but on this one there was a lovely little tortoise which looked just like my friend Albie but then someone sliced into him with a big knife and it turned out that he was actually cake. Am traumatised.
9.02 am: Must check that Albie hasn’t been cake masquerading as tortoise all along.
9.04 am: No. Am pretty sure he is 100% tortoise. Phew!
9.21 am: Has given me excellent idea for Tortmaster prize task though.
Prince Toby’s Excellent Tortmaster Prize Task
The most tortoise-like thing that isn’t actually a tortoise.
9.43 am: But please don’t send me the cake video . . . Can’t watch bear to watch it again. ALBIE!!!!!
11.33 am: Ooooh! My friend Ollie Burger the Reeves turtle is getting some holographic stickers of himself! (He is very photogenic!) Think I need some holographic stickers for my merchandise collection. Will ask PA . . .
11.49 am: Think that Gladys the Magnificent might be trying to kill me. She suggested yesterday that I need more water in my bath. It’s deep enough as it is, Gladys, and, in the words of Little John from that cinematic masterpiece and best film in the world Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves, ‘HEELLLLLP!!!! I CAN’T SWIM!!!’
12.01 pm: Just reading about the Tortoise Takeover in Jersey next year. I like the sound of that . . . There’s going to be a tortoise trail of giant tortoises to raise money for the Durrell Wildlife Conservation Trust. Hurrah!
12.04 pm: Oooh! There’s a competition to design your own tortoise sculpture! Must find Super-Duper Artist to design a Prince Toby model for me.
12.44 pm: Am absolute genius. Have already found Super-Duper Artist called Livi who has sent me excellent picture of myself! Have fans! Have fan art! And I’m wearing a crown!!! Hurrah!!! Must get a copy of it framed to hang on wall in my Tortoise Parlour. LOOK AT IT!!!!
12.47 pm: Must hire Livi the Super-Duper Artist to create magnificent tortoise sculpture design for competition.
1.00 pm: Think shall have sculpture made anyway even if, by some absolute travesty, we don’t win competition.
1.06 pm: Aaaah! Forgot it was #TongueOutTuesday. Was munching away happily and Human No. 1 got a shot of me mid-chomp (as Gladys would say)! The horror!
1.07 pm: Come to think of it, Gerald Durrell wrote a book called Toby the Tortoise and Human No. 1 had a copy of it when she was small. Wonder where it is now . . .
1.09 pm: So, really, Toby the tortoise ought to be on the tortoise trail . . .
1.15 pm: In fact, he should probably be the star of the show . . .
1.29 pm: Human No. 1 is watching From Hell for Friday’s seminar, so if I hear screams coming from the living room, it’s probably nothing to worry about.
1.32 pm: Human No. 1 has lots of Jack the Ripper books – factual and fictional – including one narrated by Jack the Ripper’s dog. (Think that one might be fiction.)
1.58 pm: Hmmm. Perhaps I could write a book about Jack the Ripper’s tortoise . . .
2.43 pm: Not as much screaming from the living room as anticipated. Perhaps Human No. 1 has got bored and is idly scrolling through Twitter instead. YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO BE WORKING!!! (If you can call watching Johnny Depp films work, that is.)
3.35 pm: Hmmm. No cucumber today. I know they have cucumber because I gobbled some yesterday, but only two super-wafer-thin slices, so they can’t have run out yet.
4.15 pm: Oh, am supposed to be learning about transmedia storytelling, aren’t I?
4.45 pm: Found this man called Henry Jenkins. Google says he’s an ‘aca-fan’. Don’t know what that is, but it sounds painful . . .
6.00 pm: Right. Think I’ve got it. Have been reading Super-Duper Book by Henry Jenkins called Convergence Culture. So, transmedia storytelling is telling a story (or, in my case, an absolutely 100% true autobiography) across different media platforms. And the super-duper clever hunter-gatherer bestest fans find all the different bitsies of the story in different places and pop them together to tell the full story. So, for example, if you were the absolutest, hugest, most dedicated fan of me, you would read this diary on The Reptile Files blog, but also stalk me on Twitter and Instagram (well, maybe not Instagram because I still haven’t worked out how to use it yet).
6.03 pm: Must remember to say hello to Thursday Murder Club Joyce on Instagram (and ask her if she can pass on message to Richard Osman for me).
6.05 pm: And, you should definitely play Tortmaster with me on Twitter when I launch that. (Still no word from Alex Horne.)
6.06 pm: Aaaah! Human No. 1 has new glasses. Thought she was a burglar for a moment.
6.08 pm: Obviously new glasses don’t work very well as she hasn’t been able to locate cucumber in fridge. Back to Specsavers for her, methinks!
6.18 pm: Just can’t get comfy tonight. (Probably down to lack of cucumber.) Been up both of my favourite corners and now I’ve turned round to face the light.
6.26 pm: Humans are being noisy about dinner. They had better not be having cucumber . . .
7.01 pm: Am comfy at last and humans have finally gone away. Hurrah! Time to see if Richard Osman has turned up for the picnic yet . . .
You can follow Prince Toby on Twitter @PrinceTobyTort (and Instagram, but he has no idea what he's doing there). Also, look out for Tortmaster on Twitter!
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