Prince Toby has started his own diary for National Novel Writing Month. You can follow his adventures here.
Sunday 6th November 2022
Weight: 1329g (have lost 7g over distress of missing Strictly vote), cucumber consumption: 0 slices (waaaaaaaaaaaah!), escape attempts: 2 (fluffy soil got me overexcited!), interruption of Very Important Human Tasks For No Reason Whatsoever: 0 (aren’t I good?), interruption of Very Important Human Tasks For Toilet-Related or Other Emergencies: 1 (but in bath – WHY WAS THERE BATH???? – so doesn’t really count)
7.35 am: Lamp. Aaaaah! What time is it? Have I missed Tony Adams?
7.40 am: Turns out I missed Tony Adams by about twelve hours. Why didn’t the humans WAKE ME UP???
8.01 am: And Human No. 1 added an editortial note again. I’m the Editortial Consultant – it says so on the blog! Though not sure why I’m down as Editorial Consultant rather than Editort. Think I might make Human No. 1 change that.
8.03 am: Or Editort-in-Chief. That has nice ring to it.
8.10 am: Think I also need my own section for my diary on the blog. Human No. 1 should really have thought of this already.
8.30 am: Human No. 2 is late with my breakfast. It’s Sunday and the humans are particularly lazy on Sundays. I don’t know why – it’s just a human thing, I suppose.
8.43 am: Sundays also used to be Bath Day, but thanks to my very successful campaign to ban Bath Day, there will be no bath today! Today is my unbathday! In fact, every day is my unbathday! Hurrah!
9.01 am: Might have a little snooze to celebrate.
9.50 am: Aaaaah! What’s happening? Have just been plonked in bath. But Bath Day is banned!!! Didn’t Human No. 1 get the Bath Day Twitter Poll Memo?
9.52 am: I’ll just have a little drink whilst I’m in here. Must stay hydrated.
9.53 am: Have had drink. Am hydrated. Now must escape.
9.54 am: Scrabbled up corner. Still in bath.
9.56 am: Tried the staying very still trick, but Human No. 1 kept poking me so had to move eventually because it tickled. Plus, wanted to bite her.
9.59 am: Ha ha! Did a big wee! Am out of bath!
10.01 am: Am back in bath. Really thought I’d timed that wee close enough to the end of bath to make it out for good.
10.06 am: Am scrabbling again. Surely it’s time to come out now? Think am being punished for wee, which is rather unfair as is natural and necessary bodily function.
10.08 am: Have escaped from extra-long bath. Hurrah!
10.10 am: Human No. 2 opened the back door whilst I was drying off. TWICE! Close the door! IS TOO COLD!!!!!
10.11 am: Back in pen and soil is nice and fluffy. Just need to test it out for a bit by charging round and round pen.
10.18 am: Human No. 3 just got in touch to point out that I misgendered Human No. 1 in yesterday’s diary entry. Twice. Oooops. You’d think my Editortial Assistant (now I’ve been promoted – ha!) would have spotted that, given that it was all about her. Perhaps if she’d spent less time plotting how to stop me from voting for Tony Adams and more time on actual editing then this wouldn’t have happened.
10.25 am: Have changed it now so am sure no one will have noticed. Phew!
10.43 am: Nice lady called Hazel on Twitter says she voted for Tony Adams on my behalf. Nice to have someone on my side. Perhaps will hire her as my new Editortial Assistant.
12.01 pm: Playing House of Torts on Twitter again. Pretty sure that Richard Osman hasn’t seen it because haven’t heard from him yet. Or from his agent. Hmmm . . . perhaps I need an agent. Is agent different to PA?
12.28 pm: Beans the turtle is wearing a lovely apple hat today. Perhaps I could start using fruit for #Haturday hats. Although Human No. 1 wouldn’t let me eat it. Meanie!
12.20 pm: Especially not banana as I am still doing #nananono.
12.35 pm: Just heard from cousin Grace that she has had a bath two days in a row now. And still no food! What kind of torture is this??? She says it’s something called wind down. Don’t like the sound of that at all . . .
12.54 pm: Hmmmm. House of Torts doesn’t seem to be taking off today. Maybe I have made the questions too hard . . .
1.03 pm: Also, am worried that not enough tort-related questions to sustain House of Torts long term. Perhaps it’s time for a rethink.
1.15 pm: Hurrah for Hazel and Albie! They are my star House of Torts players today!
1.35 pm: Have just had genius quiz-show idea. Tortmaster. I am the Tortmaster (obviously) and I will set a range of madcap tasks for long-suffering contestants. Now I just need a lowly assistant to do all the work.
2.25 pm: Had a go at a few Prize Tasks for Tortmaster.
Prince Toby Tort’s Tortmaster Prize Tasks:
1) Most ginormousest cucumber.
2) Most tastiest cucumber.
3) Most juiciest cucumber.
4) Just some ordinary cucumber will be fine.
5) Even if it’s a little squishy and out of date.
2.50 pm: Still no cucumber.
3.15 pm: Keep seeing adverts for competition to win extremely fancy house in the Lake District. Wonder if torts can enter . . .
3.18 pm: Hmmm. Apparently it costs money to enter. Might have to borrow Human No. 1’s credit card again.
3.21 pm: Actually, she did get a bit snippy with me last time I borrowed it. Perhaps I’ll use Human No. 2’s credit card instead.
3.33 pm: Hmmm. Can’t find credit card. Think Human No. 2 has hidden it from me. Doesn’t he want me to have nice house in Lake District? Shan’t invite him to stay if I win then.
4.15 pm: Now it is November and past bonfire night, can properly start my Christmas list. Hurrah!
Prince Toby Tort’s Extremely Modest Christmas List
1) Extremely fancy house in the Lake District (if I don’t win one in exciting competition, that is. Actually, wouldn’t mind having two extremely fancy houses in the Lake District.)
2) Cucumber.
3) Nice comfy blankie. My friend Simon the Red-eared Slider has one and hers is very nice. (Simon is a girl, I’m not misgendering again.)
4) Albert the Tortoise tote bag. I only have one design at the moment, so must complete my collection. You can find them here if you want to buy me one. I already have Albert upside down, so would like Albert right way round, please.
5) A German-speaking human (or animal) to translate Michael Ende’s Tranquilla Trampeltreu: Die Beharrliche Schildkröte for me – or just someone with the time and patience to type it all into Google translate. I asked Human No. 1 to do it for me, but she said she was too busy. Rude! I do enjoy looking at the lovely pictures though.
6) Jian Chen tortoise things. Jian Chen is a very clever artist in Cardiff who does excellent animal prints – including tortoises and turtles. Have a nice big picture of tortoise (which you can see on Human No. 1’s Reptilian Retail Therapy blog post) for my Tortoise Parlour (humans still haven’t put it up because they are LAZY!!!) but would like anything else with tortoise on it – tote bag (I love tote bags!), keyring etc. The turtle stuff is also excellent so I’d quite like some of that too.
7) Aardman Frank the Tortoise stamps. My little Horsfield tortoise friend Albie found some yesterday when he was out and about exploring and I’ve seen Human No. 3 with some too. Where are mine?
8) Would like the Human Grandad to build me some turrets for Castle Shelldonia so it looks like an ACTUAL CASTLE! But Human No. 1 has been waiting for him to make an Enormous Crocodile bench for over a year and still no sign of that, so I shan’t hold my breath (although we torts are very good at holding our breath).
9) A tractor. The Chelonians of Twitter are very keen on tractors now that we’ve seen Gatsby the Hermann’s Tortoise with his. Simon the Red-eared Slider and Cathy the Red-footed Tortoise and Herman the Hermann’s Tortoise would also like tractors, so extra tractors for them, please! And perhaps Gatsby would like a second tractor to go with his yellow one. Or maybe a train.
10) The Greatest Hits of 1988 on cassette. Human No. 1 and Human No. 3 used to listen to this loads when they were very small humans (back when I was in my forties – those were the days!) but they have lost their tape. Tried to get it on CD once but it was all rusty and horrible and didn’t work.
11) Might need to buy a new cassette player to play Greatest Hits of 1988, although did find Human No. 1’s Sony Walkman tape player the other day so that might do.
Hmmm. Maybe I should start Amazon Wishlist . . .
4.45 pm: Strictly results tonight! Hope Hazel’s vote is enough to keep Tony Adams in. Otherwise shall sulk at Human No. 1.
5.15 pm: Hurrah! Arsenal won the football today! So at least that will be some consolation for Tony Adams if he is wrongfully ejected from Strictly because of dreadful voter suppression incident. Feel a bit better now.
6.00 pm: Human No. 2 has brought me my dinner. Where is Human No. 1?
6.04 pm: No cucumber so am going on hunger strike.
6.05 pm: I’ll just have a nibble of this lettuce first. No point it going to waste.
6.07 pm: Human No. 1 is typing up my diary, apparently.
6.08 pm: Here she is!!!! Maybe she has cucumber!!!
6.09 pm: No cucumber. She shoved a piece of lettuce in my face. Still a bit peckish but I shan’t eat it as am protesting against withholding of cucumber (and Tony Adams votes).
6.12 pm: Off to bed for a bit. Wake me up for the Strictly results.
6.14 pm: Can’t sleep. Too many bangy fireworks! Don’t they know that they have the wrong day?
6.47 pm: Had just dropped off to sleep when Human No. 2 started clattering around the Tortoise Parlour with some pizza. Think it’s Domino’s.
6.49 pm: It is Domino’s. Lazy humans can’t be bothered to cook. (Actually, lazy Human No. 2. In fairness to her, Human No. 1 never cooks.)
7.00 pm: Quite fancy some pizza now . . .
Editortial Assistant's note: Toby can't have any pizza because he's a tortoise. (It was very nice by the way.) Also, he's fallen asleep again.
You can follow Prince Toby (and join him for House of Torts) on Twitter @PrinceTobyTort
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