Prince Toby has started his own diary for National Novel Writing Month. You can follow his adventures here.
Friday 4th November 2022
Weight: 1336g (have turned into lettuce monster), cucumber consumption: 0 slices (woe is me!) escape attempts: 0 (too busy creating quiz shows), interruption of Very Important Human Tasks For No Reason Whatsoever: 0 (utterly angelic), interruption of Very Important Human Tasks For Toilet-Related or Other Emergencies: 0 (I didn’t even wee!)
7.35 am: Awoke to a snapdragon being wafted under my nostrils. Most distracting! Also, too early for food.
7.58 am: Woken up again by Human No. 2 knocking on the back door. He’s locked out! Hah! That’ll teach him! Shouldn’t have abandoned me to ‘go into the office’ should he?! Shall close my eyes and pretend can’t hear him.
8.00 am: Hmmm. Human No. 1 came and let him in and blamed me for the whole thing! How can it be my fault? I was just sitting here minding my own business and TRYING TO SLEEP!
8.01 am: Brrrrrrr. Too cold! Too cold! CLOSE THE DOOR!!!
8.02 am: Door is closed. Human No. 2 unpacking shopping. Wonder if he’s got me some more cucumber . . .
8.30 am: Just watched a fascinating video about the making of a life-size chocolate shark. Very impressive. Wonder if they do a tortoise one . . .
8.32 am: Come to think of it, am sure I’ve watched video about making of chocolate tortoise. Or perhaps it was turtle.
8.37 am: Have checked and it was turtle.
8.59 am: Can’t find chocolate tortoise anywhere. Hmmm.
9.02 am: Human No. 2 is in charge today so currently plotting ways to get back at him for abandoning me for TWO WHOLE DAYS.
9.32 am: Just remembered am supposed to be stalking Richard Osman today.
9.43 am: Just been on Richard Osman’s Twitter feed. He seems to be upset about the disappearance of something called a Bounty. He’s also retweeted something about the Body Shop man.
9.44 am: Oooh! Mushens Entertainment are hiring a Literary Agent. Am sure I would make excellent literary agent and could negotiate a super-duper deal for my literary masterpiece. Hurrah!
9.53 am: Hmmm. Says I need at least five years’ experience as an associate agent or literary agent. Maybe that only applies to human applicants. Am sure there are different rules for torts. Perhaps I should ask . . .
10.03 am: Just asked Human No. 1 what a Bounty is and apparently it’s some kind of delicious chocolate bar with coconut in it. I don’t eat chocolate, but think it’s human equivalent of cucumber.
10.07 am: Wanted to find out more about Bounty but Human No. 1 seems quite distressed about the whole thing.
10.13 am: Have noticed Richard Osman doesn’t actually tweet much but just retweets other people. Perhaps that’s why he is super-successful author? Perhaps I am putting too much creative energy into my Twitter feed.
10.20 am: Just launched Twitter poll to ascertain what Twitter friends think about Bounty debacle.
10.25 am: Human No. 1 just voted in my poll. Hmmm. She’s happy to vote when it suits her, isn’t she? Apparently not unethical to vote in own (or tort’s own) Twitter poll when chocolate is involved.
10.32 am: It still won’t let me vote myself though.
11.13 am: Human No. 2 has bought whiteboard for my Tortoise Parlour. It currently says: ‘No one has a sis as lovely as you except for your sis.’ Think it's talking about Human No. 3, the V-E-T. Am conflicted about Human No. 3. On the one claw, she brings me tasty treats and cushions with my picture on them. On the other claw, she likes to poke me with her V-E-T fingers and sometimes she even tips me upside down. Rude!
11.33 am: Have come up with genius idea to get back at Human No. 2 for abandonment. Will wait until he starts writing shopping list on whiteboard and then will rub it off and replace every item on the list with cucumber! Hah! (Still haven’t had any cucumber yet, by the way. Stupid human!)
11.36 am: Not quite sure how I’m going to reach whiteboard though.
12.09 pm: Working on my pitch for House of Torts for Richard Osman.
Richard Osman’s Prince Toby’s House of Torts
Round 1: Answer Smash
(In this one, you have to smash the two answers together like HogFather Ted, for example. That’s not one of the questions though because it’s not about torts. And I’ve already given you the answer).
Question 1:
Musical starring Zac Efron, John Travolta, Michelle Pfeiffer and Christopher Walken.
Question 2:
Children’s book by German fantasy author Michael Ende featuring magical tortoise called Cassiopiea. (Hint: You may find a picture of me reading this book on my human's Reptilian Retail Therapy blog post.)
Question 3:
German fantasy author who wrote a book about a magical tortoise called Cassiopeia. (Hmmm, tricky one.)
Round 2: Rhyme Time
(This one has rhyming answers like Harry Potter, Rodney Trotter. That’s not one of the questions though because it’s not about torts. And I’ve already given you the answer).
Question 1:
Question 2:
Question 3:
Round 3: Torts House Of (Hmmm, this title doesn’t really work)
(This is the one where you have to give the answer in alphabetical order by word, e.g. The Lord of the Rings = Lord of Rings the the. That’s not one of the questions though because it’s not about torts. And I’ve already given you the answer).
Question 1:
Title of the second book in Ian Brown’s Albert Tortoise series. (Hint: You can find the answer in my human's Meet Albert the Tortoise blog post.)
Question 2:
Children’s German fantasy novel featuring a giant turtle called Morla, the Ancient One. It also features a boy called Atreyu and his horse, Artax. ('Artaaaaaaaaaaxx!!!!!')
Question 3:
British sitcom from the 90s featuring Galapagos tortoises on the credits.
Put your answers in the comments or join in on Twitter at the weekend - @PrinceTobyTort
2.07 pm: Hmmmm. This quiz show writing business is rather time-consuming. No wonder Richard Osman left Pointless.
2.15 pm: Hungry after all that thinking. Where’s the cucumber?
2.42 pm: Reading Hug n’ Bugg: Finding Home, the new picture book by Albert tortoise’s human (except we all know that Albert writes them really).
2.57 pm: Got stuck on the opening spread for a long time looking for Bugg the mountain flea. Still can’t find him.
3.05 pm: Found him! He was sitting in the corner all along. Sneaky!
3.07 pm: No sign of Albert yet. Perhaps he will leap into action in the finale to save the day.
3.08 pm: Still no Albert.
3.15 pm: Turns out Albert wasn’t in that book at all. Suppose he is Very Busy and Important. Also builds suspense and public appetite for Albert books. Clever. Even without Albert, it is still most excellent. There’s Abominable Snowman and a flea and some mountains (although it looks a bit cold for my liking). You should go out and buy it. Or get your human to buy it if you’re a tort or a flea (do fleas have humans?) or an Abominable Snowman. (Actually Abominable Snowmen can probably manage to buy their own copies.)
3.16 pm: Did I mention that it rhymes? Such fun!
3.18 pm: Perhaps I should try some poetry . . .
3.34 pm: I sit here in my shell,
Things aren’t going well
With my poem.
Nothing rhymes with poem
Except for poem.
3.45 pm: Hmmm. Perhaps not.
3.47 pm: Maybe I’ll try a Haiku . . .
3.52 pm: Had to look up Haiku rules. More complicated than I thought. Apparently it should have a cutting word and a seasonal reference. What’s a cutting word?
4.33 pm: Asleep in my pen
Knife slices through cucumber
In my Winter dream.
4.43 pm: Not sure I’ve done that right.
4.47pm: Where is that cucumber???
6.00 pm: Dinner time. Human No. 1 has finally shown her face. Still no cucumber.
6.35 pm: Mysterious lady on Twitter has just offered to be my new PA. Think I might have to take her up on this if there’s not going to be any more cucumber.
6.52 pm: It’s official. The Bounty should not have been removed from chocolate box thingy. Have started stockpiling Bounty bars in case they are wiped off the face of the earth and then I can sell them for squillions of pounds on eBay.
7.00 pm: Am creatively frazzled! Time for bed.
8.25 pm: Ollie the turtle was just telling me on Twitter how tasty banana is. But, of course, I can’t have any because I am doing #nananono. How I suffer for my art!
8.43 pm: Right, I’m really going to bed now.
8.44 pm: Hmmm. Have I done Wordle?
8.50 pm: Turns out I did Wordle this morning and forgot all about it, but I hadn’t finished Spelling Bee, so it’s a good job I checked.
8.55 pm: Right. Am really going to bed now . . .
9.00 pm: Human No. 1 just put the kettle on.
9.05 pm: Now I’m going to bed! Night night! May your dreams be full of cucumbers. (That’s the only place I seem to get any cucumber nowadays.)
You can follow Prince Toby (and join him for House of Torts) on Twitter @PrinceTobyTort
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