Prince Toby has started his own diary for National Novel Writing Month. You can follow his adventures here.
Thursday 3rd November 2022
Weight: 1331g (was in a munchy mood today), cucumber consumption: 0 slices (what’s happening???), escape attempts: 1 (for eavesdropping purposes), interruption of Very Important Human Tasks For No Reason Whatsoever: 0 (I have been model tort today!), interruption of Very Important Human Tasks For Toilet-Related or Other Emergencies: 2
7.30 am: Lamp (bleeeuuaargggh!).
7.31 am: Not thrilled about Human No. 1’s interruption of my exciting cliffhanger last night.
7.33 am: Anything could have happened. I might have escaped. Or disappeared in style of Paul Daniels magic trick. Or have been eaten by two-headed tortoise.
7.36 am: If she does it again, I might have to work out a way to shut her out of the blog.
7.53 am: Just remembered that today is my unbathday! In fact, after yesterday’s triumphant Twitter poll, pretty sure that every day is unbathday forever and forever and forever!
8.22 am: Ooooh! Somebody has sent me some lovely flowers! Must be to celebrate Bath Day Twitter Poll Triumph! Hurrah!
8.23 am: Ooooh! Sophie Hannah liked my Tweet! Almost straight away. Am being stalked by famous crime writer!
8.24 am: Perhaps she will put me in her next book . . .
8.25 am: Have eaten flowers.
8.26 am: In fact, feeling extremely hungry after all that campaigning work. Think I’ll have some lettuce . . .
8.43 am: Finished epic lettuce munch. Even ate boring healthy bits on top with the calcium powder on. Am big strong tort.
8.46 am: Think I’ll have a snooze.
9.59 am: Human No. 1 is doing Very Important Interview with Albert Tortoise’s human on the zoomy thing today. Have been warned not to interrupt. (Human No. 2 is ‘in the office again’ so I’ve effectively been abandoned.)
10.05 am: Albert Tortoise is a VIT (Very Important Tortoise) who has his own picture book series and t-shirts and tote bags and even a calendar! Where’s my calendar?! Human No. 1 takes so many pictures of me that we must have enough for 1000 calendars by now.
10.07 am: Quite a few of those photos are of my feet though. (Humans have a weird thing about tortoise feetses.)
10.35 am: Thought I would help Human No. 1 by writing some questions for her Albert interview.
Toby Tort’s Interview Questions for Albert Tortoise’s Human
1) How many humans do you employ to answer Albert’s fan mail?
2) Where does Albert get his ideas from?
3) How much does Albert charge you use his image?
4) Where did Albert get his Albert Tortoise calendars made?
5) Where did Albert get his Albert Tortoise tote bags made?
6) Where did Albert get his Albert Tortoise t-shirts made?
7) Have you thought about sending Albert on I’m A Celebrity?
8) Or maybe Antiques Roadshow?
9) If Warner Bros. made a live-action adaptation of Albert Upside Down, would Albert need a stunt double?
10) If so, when are the auditions?
11) Does Albert really float away if you tie him to balloons? I’ve given it a go, but I didn’t get anywhere. Do I need to lose weight?
12) How can I become a super-famous tortoise writer like Albert?
13) What are Albert’s views on Bath Day? (Not that it matters too much now anyway because we have already banned it. Hahaha!)
10.59 am: Phew! That was close! Have got my questions to Human No. 1 just in time. Have promised to be good while she is conducting Very Important Interview.
11.05 am: I can hear them talking. I wonder if I might be able to see what’s going on if I just climb up here a bit . . .
11.07 am: Nope. No good. Perhaps I’ll just go for a little walk around my pen instead.
11.09 am: Ooops. Kicked my water over.
11.11 am: Must not interrupt Very Important Interview. Perhaps I will go for a little nap.
11.13 am: I’ll just scrabble up the corner again first . . .
11.14 am: I wonder if she’s asked him about the calendars yet . . .
12.13 pm: Human No. 1 is still in interview. She said it would be over by 12! Have been abandoned.
12.15 pm: Really need a wee now.
12.17 pm: Perhaps I can hold it in. Don’t want to interrupt Human No. 1 before she gets chance to ask about the stunt double auditions.
12.18 pm: Couldn’t hold it in. Now have to sit in my own wee and wait for human to rescue me. Disaster!
12.23 pm: Interview finally finished. Am clean again now. Have had lettuce. This is the life.
12.43 pm: Am sulking. Turns out Human No. 1 didn’t ask any of my excellent questions. Including the most important one of all: how can I become Tortoise literary genius like Albert?
12.45 pm: Huh! Will just have to work it out myself.
12.47 pm: Also, where's my cucumber???
1.14 pm: Albie is celebrating our unbathday triumph too. He has pellets. I’ve never had pellets, but Albie seems to enjoy them.
2.21 pm: Been thinking about this famous author malarkey. Really think I need to get some merchandise made. Perhaps some mugs. And fridge magnets. And maybe a throw cushion.
2.43 pm: Human assures me I already have a personalised throw cushion.
2.45 pm: Then again, she also said she’d ask Albert’s human my very important questions and look where that got me.
3.09 pm: Still no sign of cucumber.
3.13 pm: Richard Osman is super-successful author, isn’t he? I like his Thursday Murder Club books because the characters are nice and old like me, which is quite refreshing. (I like Diagnosis Murder for the same reason.)
3.17 pm: Actually, I’ve just googled Dick Van Dyke and it turns out he’s much older than me. In fact, he’s so old that I’m nearly the same age as his son, Barry!
3.23 pm: I think that Dick Van Dyke would make a good tortoise. I think we’d be friends. (He could teach me to tap dance on a giant slice of cucumber.)
3.43 pm: Of course, Richard Osman was already famous before he wrote Thursday Murder Club because he invented those clever quiz show thingies.
3.59 pm: Perhaps I could invent my own quiz show: House of Torts. Not sure how it would work exactly, but it sounds good and that's half the battle.
4.14 pm: Or how about Tort or No Tort? You could have lots of boxes and then you have to guess which one of them has the tortoise in.
4.16 pm: Human No. 1 says that Tort or No Tort would be a health-and-safety nightmare.
4.18 pm: And apparently Noel Edmonds lives in New Zealand now. Oh well. Back to the drawing board . . .
4.47 pm: Turns out that Hewie (another sensible tort) missed the Bath Day Twitter poll yesterday but would have voted to ban it too. So our victory was, in fact, even more definitive than the poll would have us believe. Hurrah!
6.00 pm: Dinner time and still no cucumber. WHHHYYYYYYYYYYY? Clearly I have been too munchy today. Will have go on hunger strike immediately to ensure that Human No. 1 brings it out again to coax me into eating.
6.02 pm: I’ll just have a bit more lettuce first . . .
6.30 pm: I suppose if there’s no cucumber then I may as well go to bed.
7.28 pm: Turns out I do have a throw cushion. Human No. 1 just woke me up to show it to me, along with a framed photo of yours truly which I know she just printed off on her rubbish old printer and then stole the frame from another picture. Plus, why am I in a cage??? It’s not exactly the image I was going for. I do like the cushion though. (But it was a present from Human No. 3, the V-E-T, so she can’t even take credit for that one. Think I need to hire myself a new PA. Any takers?)
8.00 pm: Human No. 2 has been clanking around doing the washing up and now he’s emptying the bin. SHUT UP!!!
8.01 pm: AND TURN THE LIGHT OFF!!
8.02 pm: Thank you.
8.11 pm: Right. Off to bed at last. Need my beauty sleep so I can be up bright and early to stalk Richard Osman tomorrow . . .
You can follow Prince Toby on Twitter @PrinceTobyTort
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