Prince Toby has started his own diary for National Novel Writing Month. You can follow his adventures here.
Saturday 26th November 2022
Weight: 1280g (somehow gained 2g today!), cucumber consumption: 0 slices (we all know this story by now), escape attempts: 273 (humans went out and abandoned me), interruption of Very Important Human Tasks for No Reason Whatsoever: 37 (trying to stop the humans from going out actually so was very good reason and therefore not sure it should be recorded here), interruption of Very Important Human Tasks for Toilet-Related or Other Emergencies: 0 (how can I go to the toilet when they don’t feed me?!)
7.15 am: Humans were up early today. Was surprised as they were making a noisy noise until very late last night.
7.40 am: Still late putting me under my lamp though.
8.42 am: And it’s time for another bath. Early today. Hmmm.
9.01 am: They have fluffed up my soil but it’s the wrong day! Stupid humans! They do get easily confused. Must be all the excitement of Human No. 3’s birthday. Must go for a climb up corners and up and down Dave Hill. (Dave Hill is the wooden bridge in my pen in case you’re worried I’ve kidnapped the lead guitarist from Slade.)
10.03 am: Humans 1, 2 and 3 are standing in the kitchen staring at me and talking about going out. Apparently, I am ‘acting up’ and Human No. 1 is worried about leaving me in case I get stuck up my corner. I’m not stupid! But I might just climb up my corner and feign getting stuck to worry her a bit.
10.09 am: They are still here. Every time I start doing something fun in my pen (like balancing at the top of Dave Hill or standing on tiptoes and wedging my legs into the folds of the pond liner in the corner of my pen), they pick me up and put me back under my lamp. No fun!
10.16 am: Apparently, they are going to the Wildlife Photographer of the Year exhibition at the art gallery. Not sure why they’re bothering to do that when they could sit and stare at me all day. I’m much better than a photograph of a polar bear. Stupid humans!
10.17 am: Sat under my lamp good as gold so that they would bog off to art gallery. They have bogged off.
10.18 am: Time for some fun now. Lalala.
10.19 am: Ooops. Turns out they hadn’t quite bogged off yet and now they are complaining about my naughtiness again.
10.20 am: They’ve bogged off again now.
10.22 am: Nope, Human No. 3 forgot her glasses, but Human No. 1 stayed in the car, so they managed to get out again without too much fuss.
10.26 am: Peace and quiet. Now the real fun starts. Think I’ll do a few laps of my pen.
10.33 am: Hmmm. Will just stop for a little rest.
11.31 am: Fell asleep. Humans still not back. Think I’ll have another climb.
11.33 am: Hmmm. Am stuck in corner. Sure, I will get out soon.
11.35 am: Am still stuck.
11.37 am: Panicking a bit now. Humans!!!!!
11.39 am: Am out of the corner. Hurrah!
11.42 am: Human Grandad is here. Not sure why. Doesn’t he know the humans have gone out and abandoned me???
11.43 am: Perhaps he just popped in to see how super-duper good as gold I’m being.
11.44 am: That must have been it, because Human Grandad just phoned Human No. 3 and told her how super-duper good as gold I was being.
11.46 am: Now he’s left again. Very odd behaviour.
12.01 pm: Actually, am a bit tired after all that climbing. Think I’ll have another snooze.
1.03 pm: Humans are back. Hurrah! Now they can see how super-duper good as gold I have been. Look at me sitting under my lamp, snug as a bug in a rug. Am absolute angel. Hurrah!
1.30 pm: Human Grandad is back and now they are having noisy lunch in the living room. Nobody has offered me any lunch. Rude!
2.07 pm: Have had some more excellent Tortmaster entries for my Tort Christmas party games. Cavewoman suggested ‘pin the dandie on the chin’ – a game invented by Albie, I think. He’s certainly an expert at it, anyway. Hazel the Marvellous suggested musical statues and came up with some excellent music which I will have to get hold of. She forgot ‘Jingle Shells’ though. She thinks that Bernard might have an advantage here, but I reckon I would still win (as long as we played it between 7pm and 7am.)
3.06 pm: Hmmm. Humans have just started playing John Lennon and Yoko Ono’s ‘Happy Xmas (War Is Over)’, which can only mean one thing. THEY’RE PUTTING UP THE CHRISTMAS TREE!!
3.08 pm: It’s not even December yet, humans!
3.15 pm: Can hear them squabbling already about which baubles go where.
3.17 pm: Enjoying Human No. 1’s lecture on the three different types of bauble texture and how you can’t put two baubles of the same texture next to each other.
3.19 pm: Human No. 3 is complaining that there are too many decorations and is just shoving things wherever she feels like it.
3.22 pm: Human No. 1 is running around after her and moving everything by about an inch.
3.25 pm: Human No. 2 is keeping well away from the whole business. Sensible approach, I think.
4.29 pm: Tree is finished. Hurrah! Think that might be a record! Think Human No. 1 gave up moving things eventually and just let Human No. 3 run riot.
4.32 pm: Herman has come up with an excellent game for our Tort Christmas Party: pass the tortoise – although he recommends using Bernard for this one. I think that’s a good call – particularly if the humans are playing. They are notoriously clumsy (especially when they’ve had a drink).
5.05 pm: Just had my proper introduction to the imposter tortoise (impostort?). Apparently his name is Tortellini. (Suddenly I’m in the mood for some Italian food.) He seemed alright but he was a bit bigger than me and he just kept staring.
5.52 pm: Human No. 1 says I’m not allowed to wear any edible hats for #Haturday anymore because I might ‘accidentally’ eat them. (She’s right to be cautious. I’d eat just about anything right now, including my nemesis, Bertie the Tradescantia zebrina plant.) But Tortellini kindly agreed to do #Haturday in my place and wore a very fetching foil Napoleon hat to keep out the aliens and start a revolution. Might get one myself.
6.37 pm: Anne has also come up with an excellent Tortmaster Christmas party game, although I have mixed feelings about it. I like the bit about getting me a lilo to float on in my bath. What I don’t like is the idea that I might actually sink into the bath at some point . . .
6.41 pm: Speaking of baths, the torts (and bunnies and humans) of Twitter have been very keen to help me out with my bath predicament. They think it’s shocking how often I’m being plonked in the bath at the moment. (I agree.) Albie is very disappointed that his Bernard plan has failed and has teamed up with Wendy’s House Bunnies (who were distraught that I’d had to succumb to another bath) to solve the bath conundrum once and for all. Actually, I haven’t tried the bunnies’ excellent suggestion to sneak some clear Tupperware into my bathtub to use as a step to escape yet. Might try that tomorrow. Rosie suggested gnawing a hole in my bathtub. (It might come to that soon if the humans insist on starving me for much longer.) Herman suggested that Tortellini the impostort could have gone in the bath in my place (a variant on the Bernard idea, but one which may have been more successful as Tortellini looks more like me than Bernard does) but, alas, Tortellini has gone home with Human No. 3 now. Torchy has suggested tucking up in my shell and not coming out, even for cucumber. (Sounds good in theory, but if someone offered me some cucumber right now, think I might bite their hand off!) Cavewoman made me feel a bit better by telling me about the torts at the Norfolk Tortoise Club, who are also having to have lots of baths at the moment. I saw a photo of a long line of torts in bathtubs and it was like watching a horror film!
6.58 pm: Nearly time for Strictly but I’ve completely lost interest since poor Tony Adams was kicked out. Think I’ll have a nap instead and dream of daring bathtub escapes . . .
You can follow Prince Toby on Twitter @PrinceTobyTort (and Instagram, where he is now frantically trying to learn the ropes in case of Twitter explosion, also @PrinceTobyTort). Also, play Tortmaster on Twitter!
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