Prince Toby has started his own diary for National Novel Writing Month. You can follow his adventures here.
Friday 25th November 2022
Weight: 1278g (have miraculously gained 1g despite starvation!), cucumber consumption: 0 slices (is it really worth me still including this bit?), escape attempts: 1 (from bath and I nearly did it too!), interruption of Very Important Human Tasks for No Reason Whatsoever: 4 (bath protests), interruption of Very Important Human Tasks for Toilet-Related or Other Emergencies: 0 (am super-duper angelic)
7.35 am: Hmmm. Human No. 2 put me under my lamp this morning. Looks like he’s here for the day. Bit worried that my ‘tire out Human No. 1’ plan from yesterday might have been for nothing. Oh well. There’s still Albie’s super-duper Bernard plan to try out. Don’t let me down, Bernard!
9.02 am: No sign of bath yet. Perhaps Human No. 1 has left Human No. 2 in charge of bath. He’s sure to forget. Or, if he doesn’t, he’ll definitely fall for the Bernard trick! Hahaha!
10.06 am: Still no sign of bath. Hurrah! Human No. 2 is banging around the Tortoise Parlour doing some frantic cleaning (scurryfungeing) because Human No. 3 is coming to stay today for her birthday. Hmmm. Hope she doesn’t poke me too much. Anyway, I’m sure that humans will be far too distracted with birthday to remember to bath me, so I’m quite pleased that she’s coming really, even if she is a V-E-T.
10.39 am: Hmmm. Human No. 1 has arrived and the bathtub is out. Never fear! Bernard is here to sacrifice himself to the bath Gods. What a brave tort he is! Bit worried that Human No. 1 might see through cunning plan though. (She’s not as dim as Human No. 2.)
10.45 am: Human No. 1 did see through cunning plan. Am now in bath. It’s extra-deep again today. Why????????
10.57 am: Am making valiant bath escape attempt. Climbing so hard. Nearly there!
10.58 am: PLOP! Am back in bath again. There is no escape. Am doomed.
11.05 am: Am back in pen, scrabbling around up corner and getting dirty to annoy Human No. 1 and to interrupt her scurryfungeing. Serves her right!
11.37 am: Well done to Love Tortys and Wendy’s House Bunnies for their excellent Tortmaster party game entries: hide the sprout and Christmas charades. They are both going on the list of games to play at our Tort Christmas Party. Am sure we’ll get some more excellent games to add to the list. Think we had better do the Christmas party sooner rather than later though. Not sure how much energy I’ll have soon as mean humans are still starving me.
12.16 pm: Human No. 1 has her online book group today with the gang (bookish, not Batman villains) and she’s panicking because she hasn’t finished the book. Oooops! Pretty sure she feels like naughty student right now. Am sure she’ll blame me for not getting it finished even though it’s 100% completely not my fault. Have offered to speed-read it for her to tell her the general gist of the second half. Besides, it’s a Pride and Prejudice retelling (actually it’s a remix, but I’m not sure what the difference is – think remix means you can do whatever you like with it), so she knows the basic story pretty well anyway. Am sure she can muddle through without finishing it.
12.33 pm: Am speed-reading reading Ibi Zoboi’s Pride for Human No. 1 whilst she runs around the house throwing things in boxes. Don’t know why she’s bothering. Human No. 3 knows what a tip the house usually is anyway!
12.37 pm: Wonder if what I did with The Tort of the Baskervilles was a remix? Whatever it is, it’s 100% genius!
12.55 pm: Am now expert on Pride and Prejudice remixes. Think I will go along to book group to show off my knowledge.
1.03 pm: Have joined book group. Was a bit concerned when Human No. 1 carried me into the living room in my bath, but she didn’t put any water in it so that was okay. Everyone is delighted to see me (probably because am now super-duper celebrity and they have been busy reading my literary masterpiece all month). Perhaps they should set Toby Tort’s Diary as their next book and then they can have an author visit too. Might be asleep though. Perhaps we could wait until next year. Am sure they have loads of questions for me!
1.08 pm: Had to leave book group early because humans were getting overexcited and were not talking about Pride at all and, also, I quite fancy a nap. Still, perhaps I have stalled them for long enough so that they only talk about the first half of the book. You’re welcome, Human No. 1!
1.22 pm: Think I’ll have that snooze now.
1.34 pm: Woken up by Human No. 2 banging about in the Tortoise Parlour again. Shut up! Shut up! Shut up! Surely it’s clean enough by now? You never bother to do any cleaning for me!
1.39 pm: And now I can hear Human No. 1 shouting her head off about something in the other room. Perhaps book group gang have finally discovered that she’s only read half the book and have kicked her out. Would serve her right. She is setting a very bad example to all her students (current and former). I always get my books read on time.
2.30 pm: Now Human No. 2 has put the vacuum cleaner on. GO AWAY! Mind you, he is a Henry and is rather cute and I’ve always fancied having a ride on a Henry. I wonder if Human No. 2 would let me?
2.33 pm: Nope, he wouldn’t let me so am sulking again.
3.01 pm: Finally, a bit of peace and quiet. Think I’ll have that snooze now.
3.33 pm: Aaaarrrgggghhh! Human No. 3 has arrived and now there’s lots of squeaking and cackling and shouting and talking over each other and having seven different conversations at once and it’s exhausting.
4.01 pm: Human No. 3 is opening her presents and one of them is a tortoise. Imposter tort! Take it away!!!! I refuse to let is share my territory. Shall move out if it stays here. It’s him or me!!!
4.14 pm: Just remembered that Human No. 3 doesn’t actually live here (although sometimes it feels like it) and so imposter tort will be going home with her tomorrow. Well, I suppose that’s okay then. Cousin Grace will have to deal with him instead. Rather her than me.
4.17 pm: Haven’t actually heard much from Cousin Grace recently. Think wind down is getting to her.
4.21 pm: Am worried that imposter tort will give Human No. 1 ideas. She likes to copy Human No. 3 and have the same things as her (that’s little sisters for you). They have matching Jurassic Park hoodies and matching bright yellow sausage dog raincoats although, of course, that didn’t end well for Human No. 1 when she got mistaken for Human No. 2’s mum in a shop when she was buying me a wooden tortoise. ‘I’m three years younger than her!’ she squealed (and has repeated the story over and over so many times since that I’m more or less convinced that I was there by now. Not that she ever takes me anywhere except for the V-E-T-S. There was also that time when she abandoned me to go on holiday to Cardiff and the Human Grandad tried to take me back to his house – the site of the dreaded rat attack – and I was not having that at all, so he was forced to bring me back home again. Hahaha.)
4.33 pm: In fairness, Human No. 3 is titchy and definitely doesn’t look here age – although, apparently, I’m not supposed to say what her age is because humans get a bit funny about this for some reason. I’m seventy-four and proud of it!
4.37 pm: Human Grandad has arrived and now it’s even louder. Now approximately twenty-three-and-one-half conversations going on simultaneously. It’s all rather exhausting.
5.15 pm: The humans have gone out somewhere without me. Rude! But at least I get some peace and quiet and can have a nice cosy nap without them. Lalala!
5.17 pm: Hmmm. Might be a bit too quiet for napping now.
8.05 pm: They are back! Just when I was finally nodding off to sleep. Typical humans!
8.07 pm: Now they are boiling the human kettle very loudly. BOG off.
8.15 pm: They have bogged off. Hurrah! Time for a nice long nap!
You can follow Prince Toby on Twitter @PrinceTobyTort (and Instagram, where he is now frantically trying to learn the ropes in case of Twitter explosion, also @PrinceTobyTort). Also, play Tortmaster on Twitter!
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