Prince Toby has started his own diary for National Novel Writing Month. You can follow his adventures here.
Wednesday 16th November 2022
Weight: 1300g (weight loss from trauma of V-E-T visit/Australia disappointment), cucumber consumption: 3 slices (I should think so too!!), escape attempts: 27 (still determined to get to Australia!), interruption of Very Important Human Tasks for No Reason Whatsoever: 27 (Australia, please!), interruption of Very Important Human Tasks for Toilet-Related or Other Emergencies: 5 (including two in the car – haha!)
7.30 am: Hurrah! Off to Australia this morning!! Nothing can disturb my good mood. Hope Human No. 1 has packed some tasty treats for the journey!!!
7.45 am: Had a lovely conversation with Wendy’s House Bunnies last night and they were telling me that their human mommy reads my diary to them every day. What a good human they have! And what lovely bunnies they are!
8.35 am: Am in pet carrier. Usually pet carrier means a horrid trip to see the V-E-T, but today it means going off on an exciting holiday to somewhere nice and warm so that I can bask in the sun. Wonder if the Neighbours tour is still running . . .
8.36 am: Hmmm, Hewie the tortoise and his human, Willow, have just suggested that I might not be going to Australia at all. They think it looks like I am going to the V-E-T. I know that’s what it looks like. This is my V-E-T box after all, but I’m pretty confident that I’m actually going to Australia. Besides, I went to the V-E-T a few weeks ago, and Human No. 3 was here at the weekend, so there’s absolutely no need whatsoever for me to see the V-E-T today. No, I’m certain we’re off to Australia.
9.00 am: Come to think of it, this does look a bit like the route to the V-E-T-S. But perhaps the V-E-T-S is on the way to the airport. Yes, I’m sure that must be it.
9.20 am: Hmmm. That’s definitely the V-E-T-S. But am confident we’re just passing though. We definitely won’t stop.
9.21 am: We’ve stopped. Human is cleaning me up after little accident in box.
9.24 am: Aaaargh!!! What’s happening? We’re going into the V-E-T-S! ABORT! ABORT! THIS ISN’T AUSTRALIA!!!!!
10.30 am: Not at all happy! Am back in my box. Have been poked and prodded. Have had head rudely tugged out of my shell. Have been tipped upside down on the scales. Have been poked with needle for blood test. And now have found out that the V-E-T is leaving and I will have to find a new V-E-T. This one pokes me a lot but she is otherwise very nice and my humans really like her. She has been looking after me since the dreaded rat attack last year and has done an excellent job of patching me up and dealing with neurotic Human No. 1 and all her stupid questions. What will I do now? What if new V-E-T is not super-duper expert? What if new V-E-T is not as friendly? What if new V-E-T pokes me even more? And what if I have to travel to Australia to see new V-E-T because there isn’t one closer? Actually, that wouldn’t be so bad . . .
11.00 am: Have sorted everything. Just going to make Human No. 3 retrain as an exotics V-E-T and then she’ll have to move in with Humans No. 1 and 2 and be my own personal V-E-T. Hurrah!! No more trips to the V-E-T-S!!
11.10 am: Failing that, will have to send Human No. 1 to V-E-T school.
11.15 am: Or perhaps I will just be in perfect health forever and ever and never have to visit a V-E-T again! Perhaps things aren’t so bad after all!
11.44 am: Things are TERRIBLE!!! Having weathered the disappointment of not going to Australia and going to the V-E-T-S as well and losing my super-duper V-E-T and having to sit in my box for ages on the long car journey, to top it all off, Human No. 1 has now put me in the B-A-T-H. Disaster!
12.08 pm: Human No. 1 got distracted talking to Human No. 3 on phone whilst I was in the bath, so am sure I had a longer bath than usual. Unacceptable.
12.09 pm: Oh, I suppose I should have mentioned that V-E-T said I am fine and that I am able to hibernate! Hurrah! I rather fancy a nice long snooze!
12.13 pm: Right. Time to become mud monster and start tunnelling to Australia again as Human No. 1 refuses to take me there herself. Well, she’ll just have to put up with me scrabbling all afternoon and interrupting her day then, won’t she?
12.15 pm: Human No. 1 just came in and picked me up out of my corner (where I was tunnelling to Australia) and has put me back under my heat lamp. We’ll see about that . . .
12.16 pm: Back to tunnelling. Human No. 1 has decided to ignore me. Fine! She’ll be sorry when she comes in to check on me in a couple of hours to find that I have tunnelled my way out completely, won’t she?
1.01 pm: Human No. 1 seems a bit glum after news of the V-E-T’s departure. Hmmm. Perhaps I will be good for a bit. Don’t want to make things worse . . .
1.13 pm: Think I’ll sit here and have a nice sploot for a while.
1.20 pm: Hurrah! Dr Ann has invited me for a salad and chat when I get to Australia. (I wonder if she’ll take me on the Neighbours tour?)
1.30 pm: Have decided to be model tort and sit quietly and do some reading this afternoon. Hmmm. What shall I read?
1.44 pm: Have raided Human No. 1’s Sherlock Holmes collection. Thought I ought to do some research for my new literary endeavour, The Tort of the Baskervilles (if I am to listen to my public and revive Sherlock Tobes).
2.01 pm: Human No. 1 has lots of Sherlock Holmes stuff. Hmmm. Where to start. Short story collection, Sherlock graphic novels (they are from the first series, before it all went a bit mad), ooooh, an original edition of the Strand Magazine from 1911. Lots of good pictures in here. Found a fascinating article called ‘Fashions of the Moment’ by someone called “EvE”, which is all very mysterious. Reading about silk chiffon velvet and how ‘next to white, the very palest of shell-pink is the favourite shade for evening wear’. I wonder if shell-green and shell-brown is also fashionable? Some excellent hats here too!
2.33 pm: Ah, right. Got a bit distracted. Sherlock Holmes. Think I’ll start with The Hound of the Baskervilles as this is the work upon which my next masterpiece will be based.
2.35 pm: Hmmm. Looks a bit long though. And all those post-it notes are a bit intimidating. Wonder if there is any real point in using this many post-it notes? It looks like Human No. 1 has put one on every page. May as well highlight the whole book and be done with it!
3.01 pm: Aha! Have found graphic novel version of The Hound of the Baskervilles. This is much better! Lots of pictures and it’s only 68 pages long. Think I might just about manage that. I’m sure it will cover all the key points anyway, and that’s all I really need.
5.12 pm: Right. Think I’m ready to tackle The Tort of the Baskervilles soon. It all seems fairly straightforward. Don’t think I want the tort to come to such a sticky end as the hound though. Might have to put my own spin on it . . .
5.21 pm: One of Human No. 1’s gang (bookish not Batman villains – and actually they’re my gang really) has COVID. Oh dear. COVID is not good – when Human No. 1 had it, she neglected me for ages and I had to put up with Human No. 2’s suboptimal care. It was TERRIBLE. Oh yes, Human No. 1 said I should remember to say get well soon. So, get well soon, Judy! Hope that reading my diary helps you make a speedy recovery!
5.33 pm: Hmmm. Human No. 1 is talking to her friend Jayne and Human No. 2 isn’t home yet. They had better not forget to feed me after the day I’ve had.
6.01 pm: Helloooooo??????
6.02 pm: Ooooh, it’s round 2 of Tortmaster tomorrow! Must remember to post up super-duper Tortmaster task. I have an excellent one!
6.23 pm: Human No. 2 has arrived home and has finally got me some food. Human No. 1 has deigned to enter the Tortoise Parlour and has taken over trying to feed me.
6.25 pm: Cucumber!! Hurrah!! I should think so, too!
6.27 pm: Oooops. Accidentally-on-purpose bit Human No. 1 on the finger. Well, she shouldn’t pretend we’re going to Australia and then actually take me to the V-E-T-S then, should she?
6.39 pm: Hmmm. Feel a little bit bad about the biting now. Will crawl up corner in shame and not be a bother to anyone ever again (or to my humans for the rest of the evening, at least).
6.40 pm: Except the humans are being a bit noisy now and it’s super-annoying and I’ll just have to shuffle round a bit to show my displeasure.
6.44 pm: Right. Will be good now!
6.49 pm: Maybe.
You can follow Prince Toby on Twitter @PrinceTobyTort (and Instagram, but he has no idea what he's doing there). Also, play Tortmaster on Twitter! The prize task is now open! Look out for a new task every Thursday night during the first break of Taskmaster.
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