Prince Toby has started his own diary for National Novel Writing Month. You can follow his adventures here.
Saturday 12th November 2022
Weight: 1304g (huge amount of poo today), cucumber consumption: 0 slices (heard humans say they had run out!!!!), escape attempts: 73 (was in naughty mood), interruption of Very Important Human Tasks for No Reason Whatsoever: 17 (too many people here today – PAY ATTENTION TO ME!!!), interruption of Very Important Human Tasks for Toilet-Related or Other Emergencies: 10+ (lost count!)
8.00 am: Am having lie in as was awakened from deep, deep sleep last night by Humans No. 1 and 2 screaming like banshees. Was power cut. Human No. 2 actually seemed quite excited about it as he has some super-duper-bright-and-shiny lanterns which he had bought for just such an occasion. He insisted on parading them smugly in front of the neighbours when he went out to check if other houses were also in blackout and then casually mentioned he had spares if anyone needed one. He seemed very disappointed when the lights came back on after about three minutes. Am starting to suspect that Human No. 2 secretly engineered power cut just so he could get out his super-duper-bright-and-shiny lanterns and taunt neighbours with them.
9.01 am: Human No. 3 is on her way. Cue Humans No. 1 and 2 getting up late and then dashing around the house like maniacs, trying to hide all the mess. Scurryfunge is apparently an Old English word meaning just that, but am sceptical about Old Englishness of it. For one thing, I don’t think Old English people had much in the way of mess to tidy up. In fact, from what I could glean from that impeccable historical source Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves, most of them lived in forests anyway, so didn’t need to tidy up at all. And the rest lived in huge, fancy castles. Not sure the Sheriff of Nottingham would have time to scurryfunge his whole residence when company came calling. Imagine how long it would take to clean up Mortianna’s dungeon, for one thing . . .
9.03 am: Hope Human No. 3 brings me some tasty torty treats today. And maybe a hot water bottle (hot torta bottle?) like Flash’s.
10.11 am: No sign of any dead bodies in the Tortoise Parlour this morning, or potential husband-murderers, or strange men who offer to help husband-murderers get away with said murder of husband. Wonder where they’ve gone? Perhaps they’re in the garden. They’d better not have buried dead husband in my outdoor pen . . .
10.21 am: Human No. 3 is in Halesowen. Human No. 1 is tracking her on the magic stalker dooberry whatsit. The scurryfungeing (not sure if correct spelling) has now turned frantic.
10.24 am: Hmmm. Is #Haturday and don’t have super-stylish hat yet. Am running out of creative flair and worried I might no longer be viewed as tortoise fashion icon. Disaster! Perhaps Human No. 3 will bring some suitable hat materials with her.
10.25 am: Another excellent entry to the Tortmaster prize task. This time from Cilla the chicken who was actually previously an entry to the prize task herself. This is the first time in Tortmaster history that one of the prize task entries has actually entered the prize task! Thrilling stuff! And Cilla is very talented with her linocut tortoise that she made for a get-well-soon card. What a thoughtful chicken she is!
10.27 am: Ooops! Hazel the Marvellous has just informed me that linocut tortoise was actually made by Cilla’s human, not Cilla. Still impressive though. Well done Cilla’s human! (And am sure the incredibly tortoise-like Cilla inspired the whole thing.)
10.47 am: Must remember to launch Very Important Twitter Poll about what to call my Sherlock Tobes villain for my new story.
10.50 am: Have launched poll. So exciting!
11.16 am: Human No. 3 has arrived with yummy tortoise treats! Hurrah! Organic kale and organic lamb’s lettuce. Food fit for a prince! Think she’s my favourite human now. (Until she pokes me with her poky V-E-T fingers!)
11.25 am: Have done big poo and wee on my towel and Human No. 1 is getting increasingly worried that I might smear tortoise poo all over her very expensive Slytherin Christmas jumper. Not sure why she’s wearing a Christmas jumper in November. It’s not even been Human No. 3’s birthday yet! Would serve her right if I did poo on Christmas jumper!!
11.32 am: Am back in pen and have made huge mess and thrown all my nice torty treats around. I mean, someone has. (Not me, obviously.)
11.33 am: Am climbing. Human No. 3 said I am naughty torta. Human No. 1 said something I can’t repeat in my diary. (It was even worse than what Gladys (Torterella) said about Ags the other day.)
11.52 am: Human No. 3 says that I am wasting the fancy French organic lamb’s lettuce from special organic farm. Have thrown it across my pen and covered it in soil. Haha!
11.58 am: Am climbing again!
12.01 pm: Phew! Managed to craft new #Haturday hat from Human No. 3’s supplies. Now have height-of-fashion California poppy hat. Am fashion icon again. Hurrah!
12.04 pm: Still climbing . . . or ‘criming’ as Human No. 3 just called it. I crime, you crime, he/she/it crimes . . .
12.33 pm: Aaaah! Fly infestation! Human No. 3 says they are attracted to my soil. Bog off, flies!! (Or bug off, perhaps?) Human No. 3 taking great delight in hunting them down. Think I might have to get mighty carnivorous plant to gobble them all up.
12.55 pm: Human Grandad and Human Grandma are here! Two more reasons to be naughty!
1.07 pm: Done more poo. Human No. 1 called me a ‘little nightmare’. Don’t know why. Am delightful!
1.35 pm: Humans appear to be having some kind of noisy feast next door. They haven’t invited me. Rude!
1.37 pm: Will stomp around in protest for a bit.
2.40 pm: Hmmm. Found an empty Bounty wrapper and sure I will be blamed. Am innocent!
2.43 pm: Am quite exhausted after all that mischief-making. Think I’ll have a snooze.
4.57 pm: Had lovely snooze but was rudely awoken by humans gathered round my fridge with lots of complicated chart thingies. Human No. 3 was trying to explain something long and complicated about thermometers and Human No. 1 was being completely stupid about it and kept asking Human No. 3 to repeat her explanations. SHUT UP, HUMANS!!!
5.20 pm: Back to the normal number of humans in the house so think I’ll have another little snooze.
5.55 pm: My Very Important Twitter poll has closed. And the name of Sherlock Holmes’s criminal nemesis is . . . Tortiarty! Hurrah! Will get cracking on rollicking detective tale tomorrow.
5.58 pm: Think I might change the name from ‘The Cucumber Problem’ to ‘The Final Cucumber’ though. Sounds far more dramatic. Sherlock Tobes and Tortiarty fight over the final cucumber in the world. (The horror!!)
6.05 pm: Speaking of final cucumbers, decided to hold out for cucumber tonight until Human No. 2 discovered that the cucumber had gone off and threw it in the bin and then revealed that he hadn’t bought me any fresh cucumber!! What kind of service is this???
6.08 pm: Thought about refusing to eat altogether but was quite peckish so had a little nibble of lettuce to keep me going. They had better buy me some more cucumber for tomorrow, or there’ll be trouble.
6.31 pm: Ooooh! Nearly time for Strictly. Wonder what excellent dance Tony Adams will be doing tonight? Am worried that he might not get the votes tonight though as Arsenal fans will be at Wolves v. Arsenal match so might forget to vote. Had better stay up to ensure that I can vote this week, just in case Arsenal bloc vote goes AWOL.
6.43 pm: Another excellent entry to the Tortmaster prize task, this time from Cathy the tortoise’s human in form of welded steel tortoises. These are excellent! Would like a welded tortoise of my very own. Think I’ll add it to my Christmas list.
7.01 pm: Definitely will not fall asleep before Strictly . . .
7.02 pm: Humans have Domino's pizza again. So lazy!
7.05 pm: Am still awake. Hurrah! Will definitely not fall asleep before—
Editortial Assistant’s note: Toby has fallen asleep again and he’s had such a busy day stomping around and causing mischief that I don’t think that it would be fair to wake him up for the Strictly vote. He definitely needs to be asleep for the next few hours. So unlucky that he keeps missing the vote . . .
You can follow Prince Toby on Twitter @PrinceTobyTort (and Instagram, but he has no idea what he's doing there). Also, play Tortmaster on Twitter! The prize task is now open! Look out for a new task every Thursday night during the first break of Taskmaster.
コメント