Prince Toby has started his own diary for National Novel Writing Month. You can follow his adventures here.
Friday 11th November 2022
Weight: 1336g (Human No. 1 weighed me tonight so this is correct weight), cucumber consumption: 0 slices (the agony!!), escape attempts: 0 (too busy snoozing/trying to solve murders), interruption of Very Important Human Tasks for No Reason Whatsoever: 0 (am model tort), interruption of Very Important Human Tasks for Toilet-Related or Other Emergencies: 0 (somebody give me a medal!)
7.30 am: Ah! Human No. 2 has deigned to serve me my breakfast this morning.
7.35 am: Still won’t give me my Irish whistle back though.
7.39 am: And he’s got my breakfast order completely wrong. Where are my snapdragons?!
7.43 am: Hmmm. Going back to sleep if this is the type of service I’ll be getting . . .
9.01 am: Was Twitter scrolling earlier and saw that Flash the tortoise has a lovely, snuggly hot water bottle. Where’s my hot water bottle, humans?
9.23 am: Had lots of attention for my #ThrowbackThursday Twitter post of me covered in sticking plaster after rat attack. Perhaps I should send it to Richard Osman to tug at heartstrings as I still haven’t heard from him. Rude!
9.33 am: Well, I’ve moved on from House of Torts anyway. Now it’s all about Tortmaster. I have to say, Human No. 1 did quite a good job of putting me on the Tortmaster throne through the sorcery of Microsoft Paint and PowerPoint. (She not very down with the torts when it comes to technology.) But she’d better not think picture is sufficient. I do need a real, actual, exceedingly regal Tortmaster throne at some point. Probably before next Thursday’s Tortmaster task (by which time, I’m confident that Channel 4 will have come calling).
9.37 am: Some excellent efforts on the prize task already, including a chicken called Cilla and Gladys’s (sorry, Torterella’s) brother Ags (who was wearing a nifty little hat, I might add). Torterella assures me that Ags is not a tortoise but, in fact a *insert rude name here*. Torterella is very wise for such a young tort and so, of course, she must be correct. Still time to get your entries in before next week’s task!
9.39 am: Human No. 1 tried to join in the Tortmaster prize task with some little tortoise-shaped fairy lights (torty-lights?). I had heard about these from the Mysterious S, but this is the first time I’ve seen them. They are rather marvellous, but why aren’t they in my Tortoise Parlour? Also, not sure it’s quite in the spirit of the game for temporary lowly assistant to also be contestant. Think she shall have to be DISQUALIFIED. No points. Hahaha!
9.42 am: Am now accepting applications for permanent lowly assistant.
Prince Toby Tort’s Job Description for Tortmaster Lowly Assistant (Permanent)
Essential Criteria:
1) Excellent organisational skills.
2) Very low self-esteem.
3) Proficiency in Microsoft Paint.
4) Far too much time on your hands.
5) Ability to think creatively about tortoise-related tasks.
6) Ability to purchase cucumber on a regular basis.
7) Availability on Thursday evenings to manage huge social media response to weekly Tortmaster task.
8) Willingness to stalk Little Alex Horne.
Desirable Criteria:
1) Ability to cut cucumber into non-super-wafer-thin slices.
2) Ability to repress urge to take photos of me (in manner of creepy Twilight vampire) whilst I sleep.
3) Access to Richard Osman’s phone number.
4) Access to Andrew Scott’s anything.
10.15 am: Hmmm. Human No. 1 added that last one, but I might let her keep it as I’m quite partial to Andrew Scott. Particularly enjoyed him as Gary Essendine in Noel Coward’s Present Laughter: ‘I suppose it’s of no interest to any of you that I have been awakened from deep, deep sleep with the lot of you screaming like banshees!’ Can definitely relate to that.
10.18 am: Also, think I would make good Sherlock Holmes nemesis. Moritorty? Tortiarty? Not sure which is better. (Perhaps will launch Twitter poll to find out.)
10.22 am: Hmmm. Think I need to write that story.
10.24 am: Oh! Speaking of my literary genius, Human No. 1 has her creative writing group with the gang (bookish, not Batman villains) today and they are pitching ideas. Seems like the perfect place for me to pitch Cavewoman’s excellent suggestion to me on Twitter:
Prince Toby’s Big Book of Tory-Tales
A searing indictment of the right-wing political scene in Britain, featuring stories such as ‘Margaret Thatcher and the Coal Mines of Doom’, ‘Dominic Cummings and the Barnard Castle Eye Test’ and ‘Boris Johnson and the Party that Nobody Knew Was a Party’.
10.25 am: Human No. 1 has just informed me that Cavewoman probably meant to say Prince Toby’s Big Book of Torty-Tales and not Tory-tales . . . Well, that would probably work too.
10.29 am: Hmmm. Humans are ignoring me in favour of doing their actual jobs. Rude! Think I’ll have a snooze in manner of headless horseman and then they will get a fright when they encounter me. Hah!
11.59 am: Hmmm. Humans didn’t seem to notice my headless horseman impression and so I eventually had to poke my head out to see what was going on.
12.01 pm: Apparently, they are still working. Rude!
12.30 pm: I wonder what Moritorty/Tortiarty’s fatal flaw is? Maybe a cucumber addiction? Or perhaps he feels so ignored that he has to resort to becoming an evil genius criminal nemesis just to get his humans’ attention . . .
1.13 pm: Listening to Johnny Cash’s ‘Folsom Prison Blues’. Know exactly how he feels – it’s like when they shove me in that teeny-tiny box to go to the V-E-T and then tell me off for scrabbling around like a maniac. What do they expect me to do? And then, when I finally escape – FREEDOM!!! – I have to contend with the V-E-T poking and prodding me like a piece of fascinating playdough.
1.15 pm: Speaking of the V-E-T, Human No. 3 is coming to visit tomorrow. Hope she brings lots of treats and keeps her poky V-E-T fingers away from me!
2.21 pm: Thought I’d panic Human No. 1 a bit by stomping round my pen and threatening to climb the walls right as she was about to go off and teach her From Hell seminar. Just wanted to remind her that I’m still here and that she lives to serve me. Human No. 2 is ignoring me, as usual, even though he’s supposedly working from home today.
4.14 pm: Fell asleep during Human No. 1’s seminar so couldn’t threaten to cause massive disruption. Oh well, there’s always next week . . .
4.30 pm: Actually, Human No. 1 is teaching Nibbles: The Dinosaur Guide on Monday – a picture book about a naughty little book monster who chomps his way through a book about dinosaurs and is eaten (but fortunately then spat out) by a T-Rex. Think I might go along to that one to see what tricks I can learn from Nibbles.
4.44 pm: Hmmm. Channel 4 haven’t called about Tortmaster yet. I wonder what’s keeping them?
4.58 pm: More entries for Tortmaster! Hazel the Marvellous is so keen that she has submitted two entries – one of them involves four oranges, a bowl and what I think is an owl purse. Very inventive! Dwayne the tortoise has submitted his lovely garden ornament friend – so realistic that it took me a while to work out which was Dwayne and which was the ornament.
5.11 pm: Human No. 2 is preparing early dinner because he has his silly online Dungeons & Dragons session tonight. I don’t really understand it, but it mainly seems to consist of a lot of shouting in silly accents (in manner of Victorian gentleman) from Human No. 2 and a lot of grumbling and swearing from Human No. 1 (from a completely different part of the house). Haven’t seen any dragons yet either, so not sure what the point is.
5.20 pm: Nodded off for a teeny-tiny nap whilst Human No. 2 clattered around the Tortoise Parlour. Got a big shock when I awoke. Could hear a man and woman in my Tortoise Parlour (not Humans No. 1 and 2) talking in hushed voices. The woman told the man that she had just killed her husband and the man told the woman that he would help her cover it up. Shocking behaviour! The weird thing was that they didn’t seem to know each other either. What was even weirder was that Human No. 2 didn’t say a thing to them (which you’d think he would do if he’d just witnessed them murder someone) and they didn’t say a thing to him (which you’d think they would do if they’d just murdered someone in front of him). And I know Human No. 2 was still there because I could hear him clattering around in the background. Very odd.
5.27 pm: Human No. 1 just entered the room and the mystery man and woman stopped talking immediately and Human No. 2 just started chatting to Human No. 1 as if everything was perfectly normal. They seemed to be talking about Audible (not sure what that is) and Agatha Christie (I do know what that is – in fact, I bet she would have sorted out this weird murder-in-the-Tortoise-Parlour business if she were here).
6.11 pm: Had a good look round the Tortoise Parlour when Human No. 1 weighed me tonight but couldn’t see any dead bodies. Something fishy going on here . . .
6.20 pm: Ooooh! Another Tortmaster entry! Big and Small (also tortoises!) have been doing some excellent tortoise pumpkin carving! So impressive! Surely Channel 4 can't say no to tortoise pumpkin carving?
6.33 pm: Busy day. Need to rest my creative-genius brain cells so that I can compose excellent Moritorty/Tortiarty story tomorrow, work out who has been murdered in the Tortoise Parlour and ensure that I avoid Human No. 3’s poky V-E-T fingers. And I must sort out a hat for #Haturday . . .
You can follow Prince Toby on Twitter @PrinceTobyTort (and Instagram, but he has no idea what he's doing there). Also, play Tortmaster on Twitter! The prize task is now open! Look out for a new task every Thursday night during the first break of Taskmaster.
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