Prince Toby has started his own diary for National Novel Writing Month. You can follow his adventures here.
Thursday 10th November 2022
Weight: 1322g (Human No. 2 weighed me before I’d finished eating, so he’ll be in trouble), cucumber consumption: 0 slices (nooooooo!), escape attempts: 2 (but for protests against washing machine so completely justified), interruption of Very Important Human Tasks for No Reason Whatsoever: 3 (too busy composing torty-tales to get into too much mischief), interruption of Very Important Human Tasks for Toilet-Related or Other Emergencies: 4 (I blame the washing machine)
7.40 am: Nope. Am sleeping. Go away.
9.36 am: Am awake. Just thinking back to this time last year when I was recovering from horrible (suspected) rat attack. Am sometimes a bit rude to humans, but they did look after me very well so I suppose I should remember that when they are doing very annoying things like poking me and trying to drown me in the bath and not giving me cucumber. A very wise turtle called Ollie told me yesterday that ‘happiness is a state of mind’. Must repeat this mantra to myself over and over the next time Human No. 1 dunks me in the bath.
10.15 am: Am excited to launch Tortmaster tonight on Twitter to coincide with the less exciting Taskmaster version which is on the tv. Looking forward to response to the prize task . . . Am sure Alex Horne and Greg Davies and Channel 4 will see and show will be immediately snapped up in super-successful Taskmaster spinoff. Hurrah!
11.03 am: Hmmm. Think I’ll get back to writing some torty-tales.
Prince Toby Tort presents
‘Torterella’
Once upon a time there was a beautiful little tort called Torterella (otherwise known as Gladys the Magnificent). She lived with her stupid brother Ags and she was rather fed up of him. So, when she heard that he was going off to the Royal Ball for the night and leaving her in peace, she was absolutely delighted.
‘At last, I can have a lovely soak in the bath without any interruptions. And won’t I look Magnificent by the end of it?’
As Torterella was enjoying her luxuriously deep bath and was just dropping off to sleep, she was awoken by a loud POP.
She sighed loudly. ‘Ags, what have you forgotten this time?’ she said, removing her cucumber eye mask with a deep frown.
But it wasn’t Ags at all. It was a cheeky little tortoise called Winnie. ‘Hello,’ said Winnie. ‘I am your Fairy Tort-mother.’
‘I thought you were Little Red Riding Tort?’ Torterella said suspiciously.
‘Whatever,’ said the Fairy Tort-mother. ‘I’m here to grant your wish. You shall go to the ball and Prince Toby will fall in love with you and marry you and—’
‘Prince Toby?,’ Torterella enquired, her voice full of disdain. ‘Ewwwww. No thanks. He’s old enough to be my great grandad! Besides, he can’t even swim! No thank you, I think I’ll stay here and file my claws.’
The Fairy Tort-mother shrugged. ‘Suit yourself.’ And, with another great POP, she disappeared.
Torterella sighed and sunk back into her bath with a smile.
So Torterella did not go to the ball and didn’t have to marry the hideously old prince who didn’t want to get married at all and was quite happy on his own, actually, thank you very much.
And they all lived happily ever after.
THE END.
12.05 pm: Hmmm. Human No. 1 has put washing machine on. Has interrupted my creative flow. Most annoying. Shall stomp round my pen in protest. Looks like it’s underwear too. That takes forever!
12.09 pm: Shall climb for a bit, just so she gets the message that she must on no account put washing machine on whilst I’m writing. Am tortured genius.
12.13 pm: Done some poo to make sure message is understood.
12.22pm: Bleeeuuaargggh! Now there is some noisy-bangy building work outside. Feel like Coleridge when person from Porlock came calling.
12.31 pm: Thinking of getting Super-Duper Artist Livi to make huge sign saying ‘SILENCE: GENIUS AT WORK!!!’ for me to put up in the garden (on a very tall pole) so that stupid builders (and other Porlock-y people) can see.
12.34 pm: SHUT UP! SHUT UP! SHUT UP!!!
12.57 pm: Right, will just have to power through. At least noisy-bangy builders are drowning out noisy-whirry washing machine.
1.45 pm: Think I might have cracked this torty-tale thing.
Prince Toby Tort presents
‘The Three Tortoises Gruff’
Once upon a time, there were three tortoises gruff called Herman, Torchy and Cathy, who needed to cross the river to get to some nice juicy cucumbers growing on the other side in the cucumber meadow. But the problem was, a terrible troll lived under the bridge and wouldn’t let them cross.
(The troll used to be a handsome prince, but he had grown bitter after he had been rejected by a surly little tortoise who would rather file her claws than marry him and he was still waiting for the Human Grandad to construct the turrets for his castle. So now he lived under a bridge, grumbling to himself about the way his life had turned out.)
Herman was determined to get to the cucumber before the other torts and so he snuck off during the night to cross the bridge. The troll was fast asleep and so Herman had no problem getting across. Off he went to munch on lovely cucumber.
Torchy awoke and saw that Herman was missing. ‘He’s probably gone to gobble up all the cucumber,’ she thought. ‘Well, I’m not having that!’ she said and off she marched, over the bridge (under which the troll was still sleeping) and into the cucumber meadow. (Fortunately, there was still loads of cucumber, so she got started at once.)
It was morning when Cathy awoke to discover that the other torts had vanished. ‘Hmmm,’ she said. ‘They’re probably chomping on cucumber in the cucumber meadow. I had better get over there before they gobble it all up.’
So Cathy stomped her way towards the bridge. Unfortunately for her, however, the fearsome troll had now awoken and was lying in wait.
‘What are you doing on my bridge?’ he demanded as Cathy strolled across it. Cathy stopped and poked her head under the bridge.
‘Oh, hello,’ she said to the troll. ‘I’m going to the cucumber meadow.’
‘Cucumber meadow?’ the troll asked, a glint in his beady black eyes.
‘Yes, it’s just over there,’ Cathy said, pointing a claw towards the cucumber meadow. ‘Do you want to come with me?’
The troll squinted at her, remembering the delicious cucumber platters back at the palace.
He opened his mouth, saliva dripping from his jaw as he clambered up the riverbank towards Cathy. He was definitely ready to gobble something up!
‘Okay,’ said the troll with a wide smile. ‘I’ll come with you. It’s been ages since I had some cucumber, and I’m ever so tired of perching on rocks in the river. I’m worried that I might fall in one day – I can’t swim you know.’
‘Yes, I heard,’ said Cathy. ‘Torterella told me.’
The troll frowned at her.
‘Come on,’ said Cathy. ‘I’ll race you!’
And they zoomed across the bridge and into the cucumber meadow where they gorged themselves on cucumber all day long.
And they all lived happily ever after (except for the bit where they had terrible collywobbles).
THE END.
3.53 pm: Hmmm. The cucumber definitely improves the story, but it’s still missing some drama. Perhaps having a vegetarian troll lowers the stakes a bit. Perhaps we need some turtle action. I bet Beans would make an excellent troll. He’s super-scary! (Although his human recently informed me that he is actually cake, so I’m worried he might get a bit soggy under the bridge. Also not sure if you can get carnivorous cakes.)
4.00 pm: Tired out after expending so much creative-genius energy today. Time for a snooze.
5.43 pm: Aha! Have just read excellent story, Jabuti the Tortoise: A Trickster Tale from the Amazon, by Gerald McDermott. It’s all very thrilling. It has a flute-playing tortoise (who is a bit naughty), a scary vulture, some terrifying tortoise peril and some nice friendly birds (not the horrible vulture) who help put Jabuti back together again after he is dropped from a great height. Also, some super-duper bright and colourful pictures!
5.45 pm: Hmmm. Perhaps I could play the flute.
5.49 pm: Can’t find a flute, but Human No. 2 has a clarinet. Wonder if he’d let me borrow it . . .
5.52 pm: He won’t let me borrow it. (Meanie!)
5.56 pm: Haha! Have found Irish whistle. Bet Human No. 2 wishes he’d let me borrow his clarinet now . . .
6.11 pm: Human No. 2 has confiscated Irish whistle. Rude!
6.23 pm: Must get ready for Tortmaster launch by designing super-duper Tortmaster logo. Off I go!
You can follow Prince Toby on Twitter @PrinceTobyTort (and Instagram, but he has no idea what he's doing there). Also, look out for Tortmaster on Twitter!
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