Prince Toby has started his own diary for National Novel Writing Month. You can follow his adventures here.
Found a weird diary the other day by someone called Bridget. No idea who she is, but it sounds like she really needs to sort her life out. Not a single mention of lettuce or cucumber or daily snoozing. Humans are odd. Anyway, I decided that if weird humans can write strange diaries about cigarettes, big knickers and moody men called Mr Darcy, then surely a royal tortoise of great wit and adorability can give it a go. Pretty sure that my life is at least as exciting as Bridget’s. Although I’ve never tried blue soup . . . So here goes. Welcome to Toby Tort’s Diary: The Edge of Hibernation. I’m certain it will be v.g.
Tuesday 1st November 2022
Weight: 1342g, cucumber consumption: 2-and-a-bit slices (but super-wafer-thin so really only half a slice), escape attempts: 0 (too tired), interruption of Very Important Human Tasks For No Reason Whatsoever: 1½, interruption of Very Important Human Tasks For Toilet-Related or Other Emergencies: 2
7.00 am: Bright lights. Whhhhhhhhhhhyyyyyyyyyyyyyy????? Toooooooooo early.
7.10 am: Somebody poked my leg. It was Human No. 1, checking I’m not dead . . . I’m not dead (although this would make a very dramatic opening to the diary). I’m just TRYING TO SLEEP! One day, when she does it (and she does it EVERY DAY), I shan’t move at all and then she’ll get a shock!
7.11 am: Had better move a bit though, otherwise she’ll just poke me again.
7.30 am: Unceremoniously plonked under my heat lamp. Could have crawled the two tortoise lengths there myself if I had wanted to but, as I’ve already mentioned, I’m TRYING TO SLEEP!
7.31 am: Human No. 1 nearly got me with the water spray dooberry whatsit. I have to put up with this nonsense EVERY MORNING.
7.37 am: Breakfast has arrived. Hurrah! Lettuce (yum!); kale (double yum!); lamb’s lettuce (not sure about this one – I’m vegetarian). Torn up and sprinkled on my lettuce (I’m not a baby!): plantain; red valerian; thistle, calcium powder (a.k.a. the boring healthy bits). Ooooh . . . a snapdragon! But where’s the CUCUMBER??????!!!
7.42 am: Sulking at lack of cucumber. Human No. 1 waved snapdragon (ooooh!) and kale (double yum!) under my nose. Looks tasty but I shan’t eat it now. Will panic her by contorting myself into strange pose which looks like I’ve been horribly murdered. Death by cucumber withdrawal! Hah! Would serve her right!
7.43 am: Human No. 1 is poking me now and I’m trying very hard not to move but it tickles . . .
7.44 am: I moved. She’s stopped poking me now.
7.48 am: It’s Tongue Out Tuesday, so Human No. 1 will be trying to capture an adorable shot of me with my tongue out to put on my Extremely Popular Twitter Feed. Decided to do a humungous yawn as she’s left her phone upstairs. (Stupid Human!) Think she might have a bit of trouble getting that picture today . . .
7. 53 am: Left in peace for a bit whilst Human No. 1 goes off to do Very Important Human-y things. (Don’t ask.) No sign of Human No. 2 yet. (Not uncommon.) Think I’ll have a little snooze . . .
9.10 am: Pretty sure Human No. 1 was just taking pictures of me in my sleep again. It’s getting a bit too Twilight for my taste . . .
9.27 am: Human No. 2 has finally surfaced (apparently he’s off work today – not that you’d notice the difference) and has remembered to do his washing. Disaster, as noisy whirry clothes-cleaning dooberry whatsit is in my Tortoise Parlour! Very rude! (Clearly the architect knew nothing about tortoises . . .) Still, I’m determined to power through my super-snooze. I’m seventy four so I need my beauty sleep (although my friends assure me I don’t look a day over thirty).
10.57 am: Human No. 1 has signed me up for nananono, which sounds like some kind of awful diet plan to me. She’s constantly reminding me that I’m not a fruit-eating tortoise, but if it’s good enough for my red-footed tortoise pals, then I’m pretty sure a bit of banana wouldn’t hurt me . . . (I do manage to sneak the odd strawberry in summer and that doesn’t seem to have done me much harm.) But apparently, bananas are off limits.
11.43 am: Just checked with the Human No. 1 and she says that nananono is nothing to do with bananas but actually some writing thingamabob where I have to write in my diary every day in November. Should be easy enough. My life is very exciting and I have so much to say.
11.45 am: Think I’ll have another snooze . . .
12.00 pm: Rudely awoken from nap by Human No. 1 poking kale into my nostrils. Very rude. Shan’t eat it, just to make a point.
12.01 pm: Hmmmmm. Maybe just a nibble . . .
12.02 pm: Trying to eat kale with my mouth closed as Human No. 1 has her camera out again and I’m determined to make her work for that Tongue Out Tuesday pic.
12.10 pm: Very hard work eating kale with mouth closed so think I’ll have a nap to recover.
1.10 pm: Just woke from a very strange dream where I grew bat wings and flew out of the window of the Tortoise Parlour and then I was in Whitby. Not sure what Whitby is, but I was definitely there. It was dark and misty and Human No. 1 was sitting on a bench in some weird Victorian nightdress. She’s bound to catch a cold. Sometimes she gets ill just from going out in the garden!
2.05 pm: Just remembered that Whitby is from a book I started reading for Halloween. It’s called Dracula and it’s about an old man who looks young and drinks blood. Actually, that sounds a bit like me . . . apart from the blood-drinking bit.
2.10 pm: Come to think of it, I did nip Human No. 1’s finger a bit too hard once and drew blood. (It’s not my fault. She had cucumber and I was HUNGRY!) It tasted a bit icky and salty and spoilt the cucumber, but I did enjoy the great big EEEEEOOWWWWWWEEEEEE!! sound she made when I did it, so I do try to get her from time to time, but she’s much more careful about where she puts her fingers nowadays.
2.35 pm: Tried for a finger nip when Human No. 1 finally brought out the cucumber (she always brings out the cucumber eventually) but she was too quick for me. Think I’ll aim for Human No. 2 instead. He has big, fat, juicy fingers and is often distracted by his phone so is a much easier target.
2.36 pm: Forgot about keeping my mouth closed to avoid Tongue Out Tuesday picture, but fortunately Human No. 1 dropped her phone when I tried to nip her so she didn’t get it. Phew!
2.47 pm: Come to think of it, there’s some diary bits in Dracula. Think I’ll take a look for inspiration . . .
3.13 pm: Woke up to an unearthly shriek that chilled me to the shell. The fog swirled around the Tortoise Parlour and there was a strange gurgling noise that sounded like the devil himself. I scrambled up the side of my pen to investigate and—
3.17 pm: Sorry, flipped over . . . Am fine now. Turns out the gurgling and the fog was just the kettle boiling and the shrieking was Human No. 1 complaining that the postman had damaged her package by forcing it through the letter box again when the porch was open all along.
3.23 pm: Think I need another snooze after all that excitement.
4.00 pm: Human No. 1 poking me again. Fine, I suppose I can manage a bit of lettuce. With my mouth closed.
4.14 pm: Ha ha! Human No. 1 put her phone down for five seconds so I did a ginormous yawn. She’s hovering over my pen now, camera poised, but I shan’t do it again. Such fun!
4.45 pm: Actually, I feel quite sorry for Dracula. There’s that bit at the beginning when Jonathan Harker is visiting Castle Dracula and Dracula runs around pretending to be the servants - setting the table and serving dinner – and it turns out that he doesn’t have any servants. So tragic. It reminds me of the time when my Humans went on holiday for their wedding anniversary without me (rude!) and left me with the Human Grandad. He didn’t clean out my food bowl properly or give me any cucumber, so I know exactly how Dracula feels. Mind you, he did eat a baby shortly after this (Dracula, not the Human Grandad) so it sort of evens out a bit. Then again, perhaps if he’d had some adequate servants to begin with then he wouldn’t have resorted to eating human babies at all. It’s a tricky one.
5.30 pm: Aha! Human No. 2 has resurfaced! I managed to nip his finger but didn’t draw blood. He swore very loudly at me (which was a complete overreaction if you ask me). I shan’t repeat what he said here because it was MUCH TOO RUDE, but I’m sure you can use your imagination.
6.14 pm: Decorated the cover of my diary (with the help of Human No. 1). Must post adorable picture of me posing next to diary on Twitter to announce literary aspirations.
6.29 pm Time for dinner and bedtime. Human No. 1 is back. She’s given up trying to get a Tongue Out Tuesday picture and has instead posted a picture from Friday without my consent. Not sure that’s really in the spirit of things. It’s not called Tongue Out Friday, is it? Worried I’m going to be Cancelled for inauthentic Tongue Out Tuesday photo.
6.35 pm: Well, it’s been a busy day. Time for bed! So long! See you on the other side.
7.13 pm: Human No. 1 woke me up whilst making a VERY LOUD cup of tea. Also poked me to check I was still alive. Stayed super-still for a good thirty seconds because poking is very rude and she didn’t even offer me a cup of tea.
7.58 pm: Final poke of the night from Human No. 1. Now should be able to get a nice long snooze before the chaos starts all over again. Hurrah!
You can follow Prince Toby on Twitter @PrinceTobyTort
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