Prince Toby has started his own diary for National Novel Writing Month. You can follow his adventures here.
Monday 7th November 2022
Weight: 0g (Don’t worry, have not wasted away to nothing. Human No. 2 forgot to weigh me – he’ll be in trouble!), cucumber consumption: 2 slices (HURRAH!!!!), escape attempts: 0 (too full of cucumber), interruption of Very Important Human Tasks for No Reason Whatsoever: 0 (on account of cucumber haze), interruption of Very Important Human Tasks for Toilet-Related or Other Emergencies: 1 (because Human No. 1 came in to say hello and I got overexcited!)
6.27 am: Aaaah! Too early for poking! Human No. 1 is teaching this morning, so she insists on spreading the misery by waking me up before my lamp is even on. Rude!
6.30 am: She is teaching Batman today though so maybe will go along.
6.31 am: She’s not actually teaching Batman. Just his stories. (She had to explain this to me a few times before I got it.)
6.33 am: Too early for Batman now though. Plenty of time for that later. Now is for sleeping.
8.30 am: Nana-nana-nana-nana-nana-nana-nana-nana BAT-TORT!!! Had excellent dream. Was wearing cape and Robin was there and we were having thrilling battle with evil penguin and his penguin henchmen. (Henchpenguins?)
8.59 am: Just remembered haven’t done reading for Human No. 1’s Batman session. Think this is quite normal, but don’t want to show her up, so think I will go to this afternoon’s seminar instead. Will definitely be Batman expert by then.
9.05 am: Aaaaah! I missed the Strictly results!! (Humans let me fall asleep again.)
9.06 am: Hurrah! Tony Adams is through. Hazel’s vote must have worked. Shall definitely hire her as new Editortial Assistant . . .
9.11 am: Ooooh. Wonder if Human No. 1 has changed my blog bio yet to reflect my promotion . . .
9.13 am: She hasn’t. Will have to see to that.
9.15 am: Just need to find blog password . . .
9.23 am: Hmmm. Can’t find it. Will just go and ask Human No. 1 where she’s put it . . .
9.26 am: Human No. 2 says I am NOT to disturb Human No. 1’s seminar under any circumstances. Seems a bit extreme to me. Am sure there are plenty of Very Important Circumstances in which I probably should disturb Human No. 1’s seminar.
Prince Toby Tort’s List of Very Important Circumstances in Which Human No. 1’s Seminar Should Be Interrupted
1) Human No. 2 starts boiling eggs for brunch (actually super-late breakfast because he’s lazy) and I need rescuing from the terrible smell. We hates eggsies (Although we did come from an egg, didn’t we, Preciousss?)
2) Human No. 2 doesn’t come and clean me up when I go to the toilet.
3) Human No. 2 doesn’t give me any cucumber.
4) Heat lamp bulb blows and Human No. 2 doesn’t notice. BRRRRRRR!
5) Exciting bird lands in the garden. (Or is it just a pigeon? Can’t really see from here.)
6) Was just a pigeon. Oh well. Probably shouldn’t interrupt for that.
7) GIANT RAT INVASION!!!!! (This one hasn’t actually happened. But it might do . . .)
8) Very Important Amazon Package which Human No. 2 MUST NOT OPEN. (Wonder what’s in it. Bet it’s for me!)
9) Human No. 2 has left the iPod on shuffle and dreadful U2 album that nobody asked for comes on.
10) Andrew Scott on doorstep. (Much nicer than pigeon or giant rats.) He isn’t on doorstep, but he might be actually. Perhaps I should go and check.
10.13 am: Human No. 2 wouldn’t let me out of my pen, but I made him go and check just in case.
10.15 am: Hmmm. He says Andrew Scott isn’t on doorstep.
10.17 am: Bet he wouldn’t tell me if he was though.
10.30 am: Asked Human No. 2 to check for Andrew Scott again but he wouldn’t. Meanie! He really might be there by now.
10.31 am: Human No. 1 will be FURIOUS if she misses him. (Andrew Scott that is, not Human No. 2. She can see Human No. 2 any old day.)
10.37 am: Oh well. Can’t be helped I suppose. Reckon I can get Human No. 2 to give me some cucumber this morning, so I’ll save Andrew Scott for another day. (Probably better he comes round when Human No. 1 isn’t teaching anyway.)
11.12 am: Refused to eat anything in hope that Human No. 2 gives me some cucumber.
11.15 am: CUCUMBER!!! Hurrah! Human No. 2 is such a pushover. (Think he feels a bit bad for driving away Andrew Scott.)
11.17 am: Hmmm. Cucumber is a bit super-wafer-thin. Still, I suppose it’s better than nothing.
11.19 am: Shall reward Human No. 2 by eating a bit of lettuce so he doesn’t get told off by Human No. 1 for starving me.
11.30 am: Human No. 1 came in to check on me, so I did a wee. Instead of cleaning me up, she just yelled upstairs to Human No. 2 and made him deal with it. Rude!
11.31 am: I’m sure Batman never had this problem. Then again, he had Alfred. Hmmm. Perhaps I need a butler . . .
11.43 am: Must remember to read those Batman comics.
12.13 pm: My super-duper new PA, The Mysterious S, and my super-duper new Editortial Assistant, Hazel the Marvellous, have been bust promoting me (as is only right and proper) and trying to catch the attention of Very Important Humans – Mark Watson, Richard Osman and Alex Horne – about my Very Important Celibritort Plans. Am confident will hear from them soon.
1.20 pm: Have been promoted! Hurrah! Am lowly Editortial Consultant no more. Am now super-successful Editort-in-Chief!!!
1.35 pm: Hmmm. PA tells me she’s eaten all my cucumber in sandwiches. Good job I had some earlier then, isn’t it?
1.40 pm: Must read Batman comics.
1.47 pm: I’ll just have a snooze first . . .
4.15 pm: Oooops! Haven’t done Batman reading yet. Better get on with it now. Seminar in 15 minutes. Will speed read.
5.15 pm: Oooops. Fell asleep in the bit where Batman and Robin were painting a room yellow. Not very keen on D.I.Y.
5.20 pm: Have missed half of seminar now, so no point joining. Oh well.
5.53 pm: Not sure about this Frank Miller fellow . . . He’s a bit rude and Batman is a bit mean in this one. Don’t think this is suitable fare for tortoises. Have good new catchphrase though . . .
6.53 pm: Spent an hour re-enacting my Bat-tort dream from earlier and shouting ‘I’M THE GODDAMN BAT-TORT at the top of my voice. Had to use a fancy serviette for cape. Not quite sure about the result. (Tried kitchen roll first but looked a bit low budget.) Would like real cape. Perhaps new PA can get me one. Will ask. But quite happy with evil penguin (although think he might actually be a chicken), henchpenguins and Robin.
6.59 pm: Still no word from Richard Osman. Must check in with the Mysterious S and Hazel the Marvellous.
7.00 pm: Hmmm. Light has gone off. Maybe I’ll do it tomorrow. Will probably have several quiz-show contracts waiting for me by then anyway. Hurrah!
You can follow Prince Toby on Twitter @PrinceTobyTort
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